Blog Archive

Blog Archive

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Spent Christmas in Concord

I just got back from Concord, CA!! What a wonderful trip I had and what a wonderful time I had with my brother Billie and Hal. Billie is trying harder to reach out to family and that is a good thing.

I spent most of my time with Hal and we had a great time. We watched a lot of Gay and Lesbian film.. No... Not Adult Rated!! .....And we just kicked back and enjoyed each other. He seems to be recovering from the loss of my brother, Eddie, who took his own life a few years ago. It is clear a part of Hal was stolen, but he is still the Hal I love and remember. I sure did miss him.

Concord has changed since I left many years ago. How it has grown!! There is even a Fry's Electronics store there and it was fun to go in and see what the latest and the greatest is these days.

OMG!!! I could just kick myself!!! My first house I bought is now worth $275 Thousand.. The Second house I bought is now worth $450 Thousand. And my last house just sold for $900 Thousand. Oh well... Live and learn. Sadly I owned them all at the same time and two were investment properties. Oh Well!!

Most of the friends I once knew are either in rest homes, deceased, or have moved out of the area. My friends in those days were always older.

Concord, however, is an area I will always appreciate and love. I felt at home while I was there. I even put an application in for the apartments Mom lived in. It will take at least two years for my name to come up on them. That will pass quicker than I think.

Meanwhile I am ok and glad to get home to where I live today. There is still evidence of snow in the mountains surrounding us, but all of our snow is gone. Yesterday the weather was absolutely beautiful. It appears today will be likewise.

Well I am glad I finally got brave enough to take the plunge to go back to Concord and see my family. It seemed odd not having Eddie in the house, but it actually turned out ok and that is a good thing.

You all have a Happy New Years and I will post my New Years Resolutions the First of the Year!!
Saturday, December 13, 2008

YEAHHHHHH!!!!!!! I made it to Southern California!!

I have two friends in Southern California who I have known many years. After much discussion back and forth, they came up with a rent I can live with including my utilities, cable, and
internet. Debbie and Chris are positive thinkers and have been successful with their lives. I think the word poor just got booted out of my vocabulary. Their influence will help me get back on track with how you once knew me; A positive thinker who did not place limits on myself.


I am about an hour out from Los Angeles, Long Beach, and maybe two hours from Northridge where I once lived. I will miss the trees and the sincerity of the people I knew
in Alabama. I will miss the salt water fishing as I knew it in Corpus Christi. However, I am so
excited that I soon will be fishing for trout, barracuda, and bonitos. I miss this type of fishing when I left California.

With outside help, the sale of my appliances and someone all but donating a small aluminum trailer (very cheap), I was able to get here. I had a blowout on the trailer because the tires were
not big enough to sustain the weight. Other than that it was smooth sailing. I left Alabama
about 7:00 P.M. . I stayed at a rest stop somewhere in Louisiana. That was Saturday night. Sunday I made it past Houston and had the blowout. I found a tire that got me into Kerrville. I stayed in my van at the Walmart there in the Tire lane and they put bigger tires on the trailer. I called Johnnie and Kay Rhodes and they contacted the manager of the Walmart Tire
Center
. I was in and out in no time. I left Kerrville and made it between Van Horn and El Paso
and slept in another rest area. I got up early enough to get through El Paso before Commute
Traffic. I drove across New Mexico and Half of Arizona. There I stopped at a rest stop and slept for 2 hours. I then drove it on in and arrived around 2 AM on the 10th.

I slept well in the spare room and since I moved here like “The Clampetts”, I went ahead and got the trailer emptied with the Help of Chris into a storage unit. Everything was open and exposed in the trailer.

I left with very little. What would fit in my van and what would fit in an open 4 x 8 foot aluminum trailer is what I took with me. What I could not sell, I gave away. It took close to two weeks of giving away before all was gone. If it was not clothes, computers, fishing tackle, tools, or concessions, it did not come with me. Even then I had a large van full and the trailer that was 5/4ths full. Miss Sassy came with me, of course.

As we emptied the house I was moving out of the mold had come back faster than I could get rid of it. It is black mold and the kind that the spores are not good for you. Here is the neat thing. About the time I passed Junction, Texas I noticed I was breathing better. I have not had to do a breathing treatment since that point. Where I am living is high desert, so it is very dry and the humidity is very log. For the first time in years I experienced static electricity. We have none in the deep south.

It is funny how things work out. When I went through Kerrville, life there was but a distant memory. No hate or anger was left. It simply seemed odd I used to have parents there and they are both deceased. I just went about my business of sleeping, getting bigger tires and rims, and moved
on.

Well this leg of my life journey has opened new doors and closed old ones. This is a good thing.

I will send you pictures of where I am living in a separate email. Tiz easier to forward the one that they are already on. I will miss the color green. You will see in the pictures.

Health is the reason I left the south. I will miss all the wonderful folks I grew to love in Alabama,
and I will miss Pastor Sandy from my church. By the time I left I had pretty much quit grieving and was ready to move forward with my life with the new adjustments. I have known my friends out here for many years, so I should be ok. They are good spritual people with God in their hearts.

I am already finding myself looking for my nitch in several aspects of my life. I am still winding down from the trip, but it is all good. The time difference always throws me for a loop.

Well I am going to start blogging again. I look forward to it.

To my cousin, friends, church friends, and my Bama friends, I will miss you. You have given me many memories to cherish over the years to come. I learned much from each of you and value each of you.

Sunday, September 28, 2008

Disappointments and Realities...

I don't know how long I will write as I am pretty weak. I had a lot of disappoinments this summer and have been quite ill. I doubt if anyone comes over here to read anymore as I have not posted since July.

I have lost 22 pounds since July and I don't have to unbutton my shirts to put them on. Then they just hang. My belts are too big and my pants fall off if I do not hold them up when I walk. But who has $$ for clothes.

I was going to ride the motorcycle the other day, but that was a waste because I lost a lot of strength and muscletone through all of this. I could not hold it up. I started back on the rubber bands to try and increase muscletone yesterday.

Sandy came out to help me shut down the flea market, which was very kind of her. We talked about my own denial about my health. My health is shot, and the truth is I feel as if I am biding my time. It is not dying I fear, but the fear of dying alone.

Without the additional income from the flea market I cannot keep my home. But the minute I walk out the door I have another episode. The latest being tonight where even my hair was soaked by the time it was over. I feel better now, but weak.

The waiting lists for adjusted housing with central air and heat are upwards of 3 years in this part of the country, but it costs a wee fortune to move cross country. One doc says you need to get out of here, but the pulminary doc says moving to Oregon will be trading apples for oranges... that the move will leave me vulnerable to upper respiritory infections. I don't really want to move but I do want to be close to family. Even then, my experience with family has been one of disappointments. I am afraid if I go the rug will get pulled out from under me again.

One thing is clear, I cannot stay out here for a variety of reasons. Gas... Isolation... Hungry... Angry... Lonely... and Tired. That pretty much covers the twelve steps and twelve traditions of what should not be. I want no more new adventures. I am simply too tired.

I am going to try to hang in here long enough for my house to sell and then see if there is someone in Pensacola I can room with while my name comes up on the waiting list.

I am going to start selling the bread again this week and will do that 2 X a month. That is a start. I do have a booth at the Mayors Fall Festival in Prichard in October, so that is a plus as well. Mostly I have to play this day by day and depending upon how I feel. I pushed myself all to hard the last few months, and now I am paying for it.

If I can find a way to keep the house, I may start spending summers in Corpus Christi at Sharons house. She has said bring her on!! I can do festivals there. I should not go in June, because Mexico burns its fields and all that smoke goes right into Corpus and as far up as San Antonio.

There will be no church for me to go back to in Corpus as far as GLBT friendly. I would not put myself through that again. BUT.. there is my fishing daily, which I miss!!

There are many decisions I wish I had made differently over the years. Things I wish I would have told those I love(d).. Things I wish I had not placed so much emphasis on.. So many things I wish I could have done differently and/or said differently. I guess that is all part of it at this point.

Mostly I wish it would just get over... I am tired mentally and physically. I guess part of getting out of denial is giving up the fight in many ways. Yet, for whatever reason, God is keeping me here. But damn I am suffering from the isolation and the shortness of breath. My muscletone I fought so hard to get back is now gone again. Even a mouse is hard for me to use at this point. I wish I could afford a trackball.. Instead I walk away from the computer and sleep.

The good thing is I am doing better than a month ago. Tonights episode was set off by coconut oil getting too hot and the fumes sent me into an episode.

There are some friends in Pensacola I am going to ask if I can live with them until a place comes open during the Winters and then to get out of their hair go to Corpus during the summer. Chances are they will say no, but it would be the bomb!! They live on the ocean with a pier. :-)

Well I realized I have over 1000 emails to sort through. Time has not been with me through this as I pretty much disconnected to cope.

Anyone who got this far.. Thanks for listening...
Sunday, June 29, 2008

Pretty Amazing Grace - Neil Diamond











I have always had a love for Neil Diamond's music. This one holds a whole lot of meaning to me and is now my new fav of his!! Thanks Neil!!
Friday, June 27, 2008

Is The United States Still The Leading Nation?



For some time I have wondered who the leading nation is and if we have lost footing worldwide. I have suggested this in more than one blog entry that China is now the leading nation. Well yesterday, there was a Fox News article in regards to North Korea Turning over its completed reports to China, and China would in turn pass it on to the other nations. Ö¿Ö. This is one step further to confirming my belief China is now the big Honcho worldwide. Here is a link to one of the articles I found. While this appears subtle and most will miss it, my hunch is we will see an increase of the presence of China.
Thursday, June 26, 2008

Supreme Cout Bans Death Penalty In 5 States, Supporting Child Rapists

As I posted in the San Jose Mercury News....

I am absolutely stunned! I am an adult who was raped repeatedly as a child. The consequences were my childhood was murdered, my ability to have a healthy relationship was murdered, and the bulk of my adult life was robbed until I finally received help around the age of 40. Even then it took several years to receive adequate help to have an semblance of a quality of life.

Is there a way to appeal the supreme court decision on this? If there is, I would like to hear from an attorney who is willing to take this on and adult survivors who are willing to step forward and challenge this. Perhaps we can take a negative and turn it into a positive and do some self empowerment here.

I am the founder of the California Assembly Bill which overturned the statutes of limitations of child predators in California. While some ground was lost, it is law today.

I promised my family I would stay out of the public eye and promised myself I would not get involved in this cause again. But this is where it stops. We are losing too much ground and our children of today and tomorrow deserve better.

America, it is time we stand up for our children and against child rapists. Too many fought too hard to lose ground to a desensitized society.

Chicago Tribune Article

And for the record Barack Obama, you just lost my vote. As quoted in the Chicago Tribune you stated:

"I think that the rape of a small child, 6 or 8 years old, is a heinous crime, and if a state makes a decision that under narrow, limited, well-defined circumstances, the death penalty is at least potentially applicable, that does not violate our Constitution."

You mean to tell me 1 years of age to 5 years of age child rape is not a heinous crime? ...And from 9 years of age and up child rape is not a heinous crime? UNBELIEVABLE! I would expect something with more depth and substance from the man I was going to vote for as president of the United States. Can you not take a solid stand on one thing without trying to make sure you do not rock the boat?

"No I Will Not Be Silent, For In My Silence There Is No Change"

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Be Back Sometime Tonight!!

Little Tom and I have...............





Be Back When The Fish Quit Bitin!!

Self Empowerment - Casting out the negative and embracing the positive!


Reflecting over the past year, I have come to realize the way I am viewing life, myself, and others is changing. I have come to realize the quality of our life is about choices... The choice to let go of the old... The choice to invite healthier people into our lives... The choice not to set ourselves up... Or even something as simple as the choice to concentrate on the good in a person, as opposed to their downside... Now of course that does not mean remain immersed with those who have chosen to spend their lives in a victim role with no rays of sun in sight.

I believe it was Rita Mae Brown who once said "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results." While I have heard this over the years, I don't believe it really struck home as to how true and profound this statement is. It is in recent times I have learned this to be true. For example, for years I defined myself as not worthy if I were not in a relationship. I continued to settle out in order to be in a relationship and would give up what I was doing for others. Of course, it would result in another failed relationship and I would be back to square one starting my adult life over. Some time later, usually when I was finally getting something going for myself that was positive, I would attract someone else and would do the same thing again. Well the thing is, when I have something going for myself, and I am positive and happy, I am going to attract others. When I am living life in a victim role, others are going to scatter if they are in fact healthy.

I finally broke out of the relationship addiction mold late last summer. For the first time I did not give up myself or what I was doing for others. While I stayed in it long enough to rain on my financial parade for a few months, I have actually begun to see daylight from this too. I voted with my feet and told them they could not live here. But I still have my home, I still have my sanity, and I did not forfeit my plans of laying a foundation for security for myself.

Recently, someone who I was actually interested in years ago and was not interested in me at that time began to show an interest... I found myself leery and remembered they had lived their life in chaos and in victim mode when I once knew them. One of my friends felt I should embrace them into my life and consider having a relationship with them. I expressed my concerns to my friend and told them I would try to keep an open mind and give them room for having achieved possible growth over the years. Well this person began to call me more and as time went by the calls began to deteriorate and seemed to be centered around how the world has done them wrong, how their family has done them wrong, and still in the place of not making the necessary adjustments to move past all this. In reality they were on the same page they were many years ago.

I finally found myself speaking up asking them if they had sought out counseling and told them the only thing they could change in the equation was themselves. I found myself uncomfortable as time had progressed because I realized this was me not all that long ago. I had been living my life in a victim role for a very long time and it took grabbing myself by the heels and making one foot step in front of the other to discontinue living life this way.

I do know one thing for certain; I am happy living my life alone and I do not define my self worth today by being with another person. I have few friends, but the friends I do have live life in a positive way and are self empowered. I no longer measure my self worth by how many friends I have, but rather the quality of the few friends I have. I don't have much in monetary things, but the things I do have are truly me and not to impress others...

I don't spend my life working with survivors anymore, for in reality they were content living their lives in victim roles. I was simply the sounding board, while in reality we were fueling one another. Actually, I have come to the realization the term survivor is really rhetoric and is politically correct jargon. While one may survive trauma or inadequate care as a child, thriving comes with the willingness to let go, the willingness to forgive, the willingness to create a meaningful life for ourselves. Hence; Self Empowerment must come into play for us to have productive lives. That cannot come with pointing our fingers at everyone else for the failures in our own lives. We must address our own role in everything we do if we are going to reap the benefits of continued growth. While my life is not perfect and I have a long ways to go to overcome bad habits and ways of living my life, my life is nothing like it was when I was living it in this way..

I have come to learn that self empowerment is not about pleasing others or getting the needy puppy dog pat on the head for how well I am doing. If I am truly self empowered, and I believe I have finally gotten there, the rewards will show in every aspect of my life and a pat on the head will not be important. Those I used to seek the pat on the head from were indeed self empowered and they were not seeking pats on the head from others.

I am doing well now, and I know I will attract others who like what they see and want what I have. However their happiness and self empowerment has to come from inside them and if they are trying to achieve what I have through being with me, it cannot work. This falls true in reverse as well... I cannot find my happiness and wellness through another. It must come from within or is doomed for failure.

So I guess I will pass on my crush from many years ago.. I have to remind myself not to try to counsel them, as their growth can only come from hard work and choices to move their life forward. I can love them and care about them on a more sparing level and in a Christian way. I have suggested to them they may wish to seek out counseling.

So here's to continued growth, continued changes, and positive thinking. Here is to forgiving others, forgiving myself, making better decision, and continuing my path to Self Empowerment.
Monday, June 16, 2008

Count Your Blessings



I have been sitting here this morning trying to decide what to blog about. I miss blogging and need to get back into it. I guess it is the new journal of the 2000's. A type of journal we can share with others, or possibly to keep to ourselves online.. Or giving us the ability to share our experiences with others so those with like minds can share their experiences in return. Perhaps taking a microscopic amount of our experiences to help others in their lives and perhaps embracing their experiences, thoughts, or ideas to help each of us in our own lives. While there are those who I would prefer would stay off my blog, the tradeoff of making it private and feeling like I am in Fort Knox is not an option for me. I lived too much of my life that way and it kept me from meeting new people and experiencing new things, which is no different than on an internet level communications.

At any rate I was thinking this morning about the day I turned in my aluminum cans to pay for the first tank of gas that would take me deeper into the south and away from Corpus Christi, a community I once loved and cherished... A community I thought I would never leave. I had no clue what was ahead of me and the changes it would make in my life. I was afraid of the unknown and the uncertainties of what I was about to do. What would this all mean really? The answers I did not know. I know what I thought I would be doing, but knew that I was giving up some perceived securities once I handed in the keys to my government subsidized apartment and cranked the engine to my van.

My arms still were not working well and my pain level was still high. Two of my young straight friends had packed me as I still could not do that. Even driving any long distances was painful, but leave Corpus Christi I did.

My reasons for leaving and much of the journey I am not going to write about here, as I have finally decided it is time for me to do my memoir. I have set the goal for the release of this collection of experiences in book form to be released in late 2009.

But I can tell you this... This last 2 years has been the most amazing two years with so many blessings and experiences that has placed my life in a much more positive place. Some of the two years has been stormy with many highs and lows. However, each plateau I reached brought me into a better place with so many gifts, friends, security, and a healthier sense of self complimented by a lot of happiness and joy.

There are days that are not much fun due to health stuff and the current economy. But I have friends, people who love me, a home, and hope. Today I can do more for myself and am out of the system that I got caught into the cycle of from 2001 to about 2 years ago.

The neat thing is when I go outside and find a puddle of water, I fuss because my pipes broke in the yard there is a plus to that. The key word here is MY pipes broke in MY home. Now that is much better than having to call a landlord praying they will fix the pipes. And whats more, my neighbors got out there and helped me fix them... What a gift is that?

This morning I came home from dropping off left-over theatre popcorn as I do every week at my neighbors house. We sat and we laughed, teased one another, and talked about the world affairs a bit. I have known them over a year now and there has never been a harsh word or any chaos. How wonderful is that? How blessed I have been.

I don't think about Corpus Christi much anymore, other than to visit my friends Jim and Sharon on the phone occasionally. For some time when I moved here, I was still trying to identify my home with where there was an MCC. I am finding the importance of this dwindling as well. My home is here in these woods and my friends and extended family are all here. I am very happy for the most part. Heck, I don't even think about trying to have a relationship with my half brothers and sisters to speak of anymore. Whatever it was I was yearning for, I have found it here in Alabama.

When I say my prayers, I thank God for all God has given me and I thank those who helped me get here.

I guess I had best get busy and finish cleaning MY house today... What once took me two hours to do takes me 8 or 9 hours. hehe I guess we can't have everything, but I am truly grateful for all God has given me.
Saturday, June 14, 2008

For The Times They Are A Changing!!








I think many of us have strived for personal growth or whole person growth as depicted in the above wheel. Each category gets streamlined to our lives in where we live, who our families and friends are, and our spiritual paths. Profession to one, may not be the same as profession to others. Yet each of us contain a different threshold physically, so our needs will be very different. I too have gone through many of these changes. Some of the changes were inherant of some of my choices, while others I sought to change.

While still a work in progress, I believe I have made many of the changes that were necessary for me to become a fuller person. I am glad I worked so hard on these goals, for the times they are a changing!! I look around at people's lives and inward at my own life. We are all going to have to be able to adapt and reincorporate our ways of doing things with the current times and the progression towards rougher times many of us have ever known.

For me, emotional strength and maturity is going to have to come into play as this will no longer be optional if I am to survive.
Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Online Dating - The Biggest Lies

Well I am sure we have all heard it... Both on and offline for that matter... That is ummmm.. The lies we are told when we are first considering to meet someone we have seen their profile online.

I am not certain if people realize how many deceptive things there are in a single ad, much less the garbage they feed us when we meet them in real life. But it is there...

The other thing I have come to realize after living in this area for two years, it is the same few people who are posted out of how many online users? Now there may be more that are hiding their profiles, but sadly it is the same few.

Well now, back to those lies. I know some of the people in real life that have profiles posted on various dating sites... This is just in the profile mind you and before you begin to talk to them...

A few extra pounds.
AGE
Just want to hang out
Enjoy the out of doors
Easy Going
Education Level
Income
Old Photo's
Other peoples photo's
I don't smoke or drink

Without question there are more...

Now lets get to after you start emailing them.. The following are the biggest lies...

I am so over her
We live together, but we have not been a couple for two years
I am easy going
I am stable
I am not a violent person
I don't lie
I used to drink but have been clean and sober for a year.
I have been tested for HIV
I just got out of an abusive relationship and am not an abuser

Plus the usual of liking everything we like until they gotcha!! Ö¿Ö


The list goes on to be sure... What lies have you been told? While I am lesbian, I am sure my straight friends and readers have been told a few whoppers as well.. Do Tell!!



Monday, June 09, 2008

SHOCK - A 5 Letter Word

Yesterday someone told me they quit their job. I looked a tad perplexed and asked them why.. They stated after paying for gas for their midsized vehicle that they come home with $150.00 a month and can no longer afford to go to work. Instead, they are going to garage sale from their home until they can figure out what to do. I asked where they got their inventory.. They stated they are having to sell their personal belongings in order to pull through this until a minimum wage job at home could be secured. Gas is now $4.00 per gallon and no end in sight for it to either go down or stop surging.
For myself, I finally gave in and traded my utility trailer for a motorcycle that was not all that new, but will do what I need it to do FOR NOW. But how long will it be before I can no longer afford to ride the motorcycle? Someone told me I am going to get myself killed, and my answer was.. At least that is a lot quicker than starving to death or burning up in the heat in my home.

Yet another online friend wrote a blog entry called Empty Wallet. She stated at the rate it is going with the 20% increase at the grocery stores created by the fuel prices, she will be a homeless senior person in less than three years.

For myself I had put my electric bill on an average of $94.00 per month.. This lasted two months when they raised the average to $128.00 per month. So where does that stop? How much longer will I be able to hold out. Well I suppose I can keep selling things at the flea market, but how long will it be before there will be no buyers there? Afterall, this takes money and gas.. People cannot afford to go..

One solution I have come up with for my senior friends and those with disabilities is I have acreage and perhaps if they were to get travel trailers they could pay me a moderate amount to live here. It is a thought, but the problem will be septic tanks for each of them. Or perhaps portable buildings we finish off into living quarters. It is a better option than the streets and I am more than willing to concider this for the right people. Perhaps communal living from the late 60's and early 70's will have to become a part of the baby boomers lives. It is clear the government is not going to be there for us..

At first I wanted to blame Bush for the gas crisis and that he was over inflating them. Perhaps this is not the case, but it is Middle East warfare and will do more harm than bombing America. Perhaps this is unorthodoxed sanctions against the United States for the role we have played in the Middle East and defying the wishes of the United Nations. I am not certain and these are only speculations, but the current regime certainly did not win world friends or support, but I do think they influenced people and not in a positive way.

What I do know is we are in trouble. I have no answers for myself other than to shave back, and shave back I have. I have cut out cable TV, I have cut the cell phones to bare minimum and may have to concider dropping them altogether. I have placed myself at risk by buying a motorcycle, but the options far outweigh the risks.

I am sad because we no longer live in the America we once knew. Service jobs that older Americans can do have been given to India and other once Third World Nations.. Manufacturing now belongs to China and the influx of products is shotty at best. We were once the leading nation and while I cannot be certain, China is now the leading nation. They will enjoy all we once took for granted.

The middle class in this nation will now become the poor and the poor will now become the throw-aways. What will happen from here? I do know the older single folks or the disabled must ban together and start buying acreage that is non-zoned so we can collectively pull through this. It seems like the only logical answer. This is where we are all going to have to learn to get along.

I know of folks who once lived in upscale homes now living in old travel trailers. How sad is that? Collectively, perhaps we can increase hope for those who are going through what we are.


Well heres to mobility.. At least for now







Thursday, May 29, 2008

Hate Speech





I believe I get this video.. It is not only about the negative and hateful things others say to us as human beings, but the self talk we give ourselves. Some of the ones I hear coming out of my own mouth and the mouths of those I care about are the following..

I am so fat
I am so ugly
I am just a dyke
From one fag to the other
I am so retarded
I am so stupid
I am just having a blonde moment

What are some of yours? And what do you think you could use to replace it?

Tyler, I love this video

Why Gay Marriage is Wrong








I ran across this video on You Tube last night by Tyler Oakley.. I love his sattire and appreciate him very much.. I only wish I would have had the courage when I was a young adult (or now for that matter) to have stood up in such a positive way against the discrimination I have faced for all of my life. I hid over the years and tried to ride both sides of the keep everyone happy fence. Closet by day.. Lesbian by night and on weekends. Laughing and participating in the cruel jokes of others at work..

When I was in my mid thirties, I did get brave once outside my comfort zone at work. There were a couple of women there who kept stating that Aids was God's punishment for homosexuality. They did this for months as I watched friends and members of the Gay community suffer and pass away one by one. Finally I stood up and said...

"If xyz percent of gay men have aids...
and xyz pecent of straight men have aids...
and xyz percent of bi-sexual men have aids...
and xyz percent of bi-sexual woman have aids..
and if xyz percent of straight women have aids...
and only .001 percent of lesbians have aids...
Does it not make sense that Lesbians are God's chosen people?"

Within 30 minutes I was was terminated.. And.... It was legal to do so... Even in California... I had been passively-agressively harassed for months.... I never really stood up and claimed a bold voice on my sexual orientation after that... I just tried to fit in the best I could and go back into hiding in a straight world that did not want me there.

Anyway, thanks Tyler for your bold and fresh view on the thinking processes of many (not all) in the straight world I so desire to find my little spot in.
Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Head In The Sand

Oh Where Oh Where Have They Been? I keep reading that we are going into a recession. Well DUH!! This started long ago.. This is not a well written piece I am writing to be sure, just tapping on my feelings surrounding this. Five years ago, I could afford my medications, my groceries, gas, and a few items like underware. Two years ago, I was starting to have to pick. Do I buy groceries or eat beans? Which Medications shall I get this month? Now this year most of my medications are still sitting at the pharmacy. Last night I ran out of the last of my rice and am afraid to see how much rice has gone up to. Two years ago Angelfood was $25.00 for groceries, and now it is $30.00. That is more than a one or two percent increase.
The media is beginning to call this a recession, but none dare call it a depression. Out here, boats, cars, trucks, and vans are parked along side peoples properties with for sale signs on them. Droves of homes have for sale signs on them with no buyers in sight.
The government allowed the outsourcing of our service jobs and China has taken away our manufacturing jobs. So what is left? Have you gone to Walmart? Even checkers positions are being replaced with automated checkout. Factories are using robotics in place of fork lifts in warehouses...
One might say become a computer whiz.. But these jobs are now being outsourced to India. So what is left?
I, for the first time, am getting ready to buy chickens, quail, and rabbit to raise for the purpose of filling my freezer. Rather than grow plants for beauty I am having to grow vegetables for survival. I have a hunch I am not alone in this. Anything I buy now, I purchase in family packs to reduce cost. Even if it means not as large of a variety in food. Additionally I am looking at buying a smaller motorbike or scooter to offset the gas costs.
Assisted Living Apartments are now starting to belly up as are most food programs. Times are getting leaner and leaner.
Seniors and disableds are now viewed as disposable. Programs to maintain their health are being cut out and charges are being added that makes it impossible for them to get the health care they need. Clearly, lifespans will be shorter and will save the government a lot of money. Just look at Katrina and the order people were removed from New Orleans. Seniors and disableds were removed last in the back of U-Haul trucks in three digit heat conditions.
Properties are now upsidedown and people are walking away from them in droves. Only to rent back from landlords who are the elite, such as Haliburton, for an astronomical amount of money monthly.
Yet, this is being viewed as a recession that is just starting rather than a depression that is getting ready to take on a life of its own.
So are we just going into a recession? Or are we leaving the recession and going into a full blown depression?

Most favorite thing..

Have you ever had a most favorite song? Or a most favorite thing?

My most favorite music piece has definately got to be Pachelbel Canon In D.. Preferably the RCA Cut. That has never changed... Followed by Enya - Only Time...

My most favorite food is Sushi, followed by steak...

My most favorite Candy is American Red Licorice. If it does not have anice it is not red licorice. Followed by Idaho Spuds which you cannot find in the south.

My most favorite Dog is Rat Terriers, followed by Shelties.

My most favorite season is Spring... Followed by late fall.

My most favorite thing is my computer, followed by my fishing equipment.
Monday, April 07, 2008

Falling Slowly







I have always appreciated music that can effectively be sung or played on a musical instrument with so many sharps and flats. Even for the instrument player, this many sharps and flats is difficult to achieve, much less singing and playing instruments in harmony. I like the song too. I ran across it on MySpace looking at different myspace layouts.



Glen Hansard - Falling Slowly Lyrics



I don't know you

But I want you

All the more for that

Words fall through me

And always fool me

And I can't react

And games that never amount

To more than they're meant

Will play themselves out



Take this sinking boat and point it home

We've still got time

Raise your hopeful voice you have a choice

You've made it now



Falling slowly, eyes that know me

And I can't go back

Moods that take me and erase me

And I'm painted black

You have suffered enough

And warred with yourself

It's time that you won



Take this sinking boat and point it home

We've still got time

Raise your hopeful voice you had a choice

You've made it now



Take this sinking boat and point it home

We've still got time

Raise your hopeful voice you had a choice

You've made it now

Falling slowly sing your melody

I'll sing along


Monday, March 24, 2008

Jake & Chris - The Syncstas - Barbie Girl

Well out of all those who do videos Jake and Chris have my vote. They are so not gay! But this hysterical and reminds me of my youth. I will get back to normal blogging soon, but needed to time out.




Friday, March 14, 2008

17 Month Old Toddler Can Read Cursive and Print

Well if this does not beat all!! I think this is absolutely wonderful and totally enjoyed this newsclip. I hope you enjoy it as much as I do. This little gal will go far in her life with the encouragement of her parents and others.




Thursday, March 13, 2008

Biff's Question Song





If any of you have ever raised a child I am sure you can relate to this, although I don't think any of us would have answered them in this fashion. LOL However, I have had adults in my life who were walking questioneers, and oh how I could relate to this.

Enjoy!!

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Numa Numa Dance by Gary Brolsma





I would have to say this is my alltime favorite Video that has gained overnight success on the Internet. Imagine waking up one morning to find out a video you sent to an online friend had flourished the world. An involuntary celebrity at the tender age of 19 left Gary severely depressed. However the "unwilling and embarrassed Internet Celebrity" settled into his unsought fame by 2006; The Numa Numa Dance by Gary Brolsma is the second most watched video since the Internets creation.

What I see in Gary is a young man who was able to be himself in the privacy of his own home. I see his youthfulness allowing him to be playful; something many of us lose as we age. For myself, I have gone to You Tube many times over to watch this video.

Well, just after I posted this, I found yet another one I truly like of Numa Numa. Their youthfulness and the fun they are having is what I am drawn to in this...





Wednesday, March 05, 2008

I Never Promised You A Rose Garden

When I was in my teenage years a social worker was assigned to me named Shirley Greenbaum. She had me read this book, which I believe I should probably read again after having more life experiences waged in my life. I do not believe at the tender age of 17 I understood what her point was in having me read this.

I have had many things happen in my life.. Some positive and some negative.. I have lived the highest highs and perhaps experienced some of the deepest lows. Yet I always seem to come out ok; Perhaps some emotional or physical scarring, but ok.

Recently I had some young friends say "Why does this always happen to me." They also stated "How do we always attract drama into our lives.. We just want to live peacefully." Well here is what I began thinking prior to writing this blog entry. None of us have ever been promised a Rose Garden. It is not those things which have a negative impact in our lives, but how we handle the negative impacts on our lives and make a positive out of it.

We cannot control what others do; However, we can control how we react to what others do. For example, how many times have we had red flags appear and chosen to ignore them? Only to find out later that we should have listened to those red flags. Let me give you an example. Just under two years ago I met a woman via the Internet. The initial email she sent me indicated how many losses she had had over the last ten months. It also indicated she was currently going through a breakup, but stated she had really been broken up for the last two years. Red Flag. I waited a few days to answer her email as this made me nervous, however I eventually answered it. Next, after we had seen each other short while she began coming over to the cottage I was staying in behind a friends home while I was looking for what I would be doing here. Most of her time was spent on the phone calling her friends and having them spying on her ex. Red Flag. Finally she was fighting with her on the phone and kept the cell phone within inches of her at all times. Red Flag. Eventually I moved in with her against my better judgement. Could I have made better decisions and why did I make the decisions I did? The following few months was filled with chaos and I eventually got out. It created a domino effect in my life which I am still mopping up. There has been a definite residual effect.

Yet another example and a repeat of my own history is I met yet another woman via the Internet. The first email she sent me indicated she hoped I would not take it the wrong way, but she felt as if she had been stalking me via the Internet. Red Flag. She told me she loved me before even meeting me. Red Flag. She also told me she was coming here even if I said no. Red Flag. Yet I did not heed the warnings. Had I made different choices I would have had a different outcome. It took me only one month after she came on a permanent basis to tell her she had 30 days to get out. This too has financial repercussions that I can add to the others it will take me a long time to mop up. She still calls occasionally and it feels as if I have been hit with a cattle prod each time she does.

Sooo.. What have I learned? To listen to my gut and watch for Red Flags. To move slower and not do anything before I feel comfortable and not allow myself to be pushed. And to value myself enough to know I deserve better. Last but not least, there are things worse than not being in a relationship.

There is something else I learned as well.. That is about self disclosure. I have finally realized disclosing too much too fast leaves me vulnerable and those who wish to control me can have a field day with the ammunition I have provided them with. Disclosing much slowly is my new friend.

Additionally by my own experiences as well as watching two young and dear friends going through havoc with those they thought were their friends, the above also applies. It is better to have less of a social circle and add friends slowly and watch for Red Flags. You know, sometimes screen names are even a clue online. For example if someone has the name DrunkenTurtle, is that really the type of person you would want to attract in your life?

None of us are ever promised Rose Gardens, but I have come to the conclusion it is about picking our plants carefully and tending to the garden; It is about pulling the weeds as we go. I believe I got into a comfort zone where I used to live and this too left me vulnerable when I moved to a different region of the country. I had to start at ground zero developing friendships, social networks, business confidants, and seeking out the special someone to spend the balance of my life with. My Garden is my responsibility; While it may not be a Rose Garden, my garden can be filled with emotional nutrition and beauty with the luxury of no thorns that a Rose Garden
produces.
Monday, March 03, 2008

Baby Panda Sneezes

Baby Panda Sneezes

This is just too cute!!!





Tuesday, February 26, 2008

Online Personals

Well it is no secret I have been known to use the online personals to meet someone.. Now we have heard the saying Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results, but is it really that different than meeting someone in person?

This post is mostly in gest regarding the things I have experienced over the years. Answering personal ads in a newspaper used to be frowned upon by many, yet in the information era, nobody seems to find it unacceptable anymore. Since I am a woman who does not let what others think get in the way of my choices and decisions, my personal ads predating the internet had been known to cross my path.

Now how is it that I can go to church with often upward of 80 women there and not meet that special someone, but I think I can go online and meet someone out of 12 to 30 women in my area? If I cannot meet someone with 80 women, why the heck would I think I can do it in less? Well now, I guess I can look outside the area, but how is THAT going to work? This could lead to years of long distance, or moving in together prematurely. Yet, I am always still hopeful.. haha..

With that said there is the upside to local online dating. Isn't there? The red flags should be very transparent. I met one that when she showed up, I swear the picture she sent was not she!! I cannot begin to tell you how many I have met that used 10 or 20 year old pictures. Then there is the category A few extra pounds.. I cannot begin to tell you how many I have met that this statement simply was not so. Then there is the age thingie!! Somehow they are MUCH older than stated on their profile. Can you spell red flags? Not that any of these things would matter, but it is starting out on a dishonest note. I did meet one woman in Mississippi that was extremely honest in the presentation of herself, but we did not click. So I guess the profiles can be a good thing if one were to vote with their feet when they realize the profile did not match the person. It is like KNOCK KNOCK, yet the need to meet that special someone tends to overshadow the red flags.

Now the kewl thing I have had happen in the personals world is often times they have introduced me to their friends. While I found no romantic interest with their friends, I developed some long lasting friendships.

The other interesting point is I have now been here for almost two years. 90% of the women on the personal sites are the SAME WOMEN!! Some I know for fact have had relationships and are back once again. Rarely does a new one show up. It is kind of like a soap opera; Go away and come back six months later and there they are.

So PolyAnna me still has my ad on the personals.. In hopes of meeting that special someone. However I have become a lot wiser through the process and am narrowing it down to those in the area and not doing long distance. Hmmmm.. Long Distance!! Don't even let me get started with that! haha I had one who came to be with me and one I went to be with.. I would not dream of moving that freely with someone I met at church much less a total stranger...

To think not all that long ago I could honestly say I had not dated in 7 years... The next one I meet, through church or otherwise is going to have to have similar interests and I am going to date them for a long time before making more permanent decisions.
Friday, February 22, 2008

Molino Tornado - A rough ride home from church Sunday!

Well I have finally decided to blog about this. Last Sunday I was coming home from Church and was on the phone with one of my local friends. She told me that we were under tornado watches and then corrected that to say tornado warnings. I told her I had best get off the phone and have both hands on the wheel. I was not all that concerned though, mostly because having never experienced a tornado I did not take it all that seriously. Afterall, I told myself.. What are the odds?

Well I got about a mile or so from my turnoff to go to Atmore and my car started jerking around. I drive a small car most of the time so it had my full attention. I pulled over but still felt the winds yanking at my Tracker. I simply sat there in dismay watching debris fly about 1/4 mile ahead of me. I watched helplessly as what appeared to be a part of a metal roof wrapped around the power lines. I believe it was an old hardware store that I watched a portion of the metal roof roll up..

Right after that, I don't know how long, there was a frenzy of people running back and forth, crossing the highway. Some carrying blue tarps as they immediately tried to help those who had roof damage. Soon I heard sirens and than observed emergency response vehicles arriving. I did not know if I should go or stay put. I did not know if these things double back or if there were downed wires across the highway. I soon realized had my timing been 30 seconds or so sooner I may have been in serious trouble.

Finally an officer came up to me and asked me what I was doing there. I told him I had pulled over and not budged because I had never been in one of these and did not know what to do. He indicated I had done the right thing but now it was time to move along.

I was still bucking winds all the way into Atmore. While I was driving I began to realize when I had seen the aftermath of tornado's on television I had never much thought about the hysteria and frenzy of those in them during and immediately following a tornado. It seemed like this was a long time, but I am sure my sense of time was lost in the shuffle as well.

I think I was too numb to be really afraid. I do know that I started feeling queazy and almost a surreal feeling. I immediately called my assistant who works on the church website because I just needed to hear a voice. I don't know if it was that night or a day later that I called my pastor. I finally called the flea market and told them I was running late. My friends gave me strict instructions to call every 10 minutes or they were going to come out and meet me.

If I never experience one of these things again I will be grateful. Even from the close outskirts it is a feeling like no other... I felt like I should be helping but was too busy gripping onto my steering wheel. It is so amazing to see people pull together during a time of crisis.

Well that is pretty much it.. I think I will take tornadoes a bit more seriously now, since I have been given a closer view of them. Close enough for me anyway!!
Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Snowcones & Ice Cream!! - Alabama

Well lets face it!! This is not sushi country.. If one is lucky, they will find snowcones and ice cream in atmore and perdido alabama, but there is no sushi. LOL

Moe has finally arrived

Well I picked Moe up at the post office today. And yes... I said "I am here to pick up my friend." I don't think the postal clerk thought it was half as funny as Moe or I would... But I thought it was...

I am glad I was able to do this for Moe. This has been good closure for me... I will miss the little fart! However, I am at a place I can move forward now and go on with my life. I will never forget her and she will always hold a place in my heart. I am still working with the government to get the funds removed that have been placed in her account, and have promised the Funeral Home I will keep them apprized as to what is left so they can get paid. That should pretty well finalize that. The lenders for her pickup had to schedule it for pickup as it past the 90 days mark for no payments.

I think this has been good for me on many fronts. It gave me a chance to give back a little of what has been done for me over the years, and it gave me a chance to understand and accept a friend unconditionally who had been in my life for so many years.

Gentle Touchs' Web is still up and running and will continue to be.

My pastor will be coming out here to do a small memorial service for her as we scatter her in the woods on my property behind my home. I will be emailing those who wish to honor Moe as to the date and the time.

This sure was a long process, but I am glad it has been achieved.

I wish to give a special thanks to Paul at Brooklawn Funeral Home in Rock Hill, CT. You see, Paul specializes in helping deceased individuals that nobody else will do. Brooklawn will wait for their payment and settle for the amount the State of Connecticut will pay if there is no payment available elsewhere. They have followed through true to their word and even sent Moe to me. I felt totally at ease when I was in his office and left there knowing everything was going to be ok now. Moe was finally going to be taken out of the Medical Examiners Office.

I also wish to thank my Illinois friends for the generous donation which helped get me home. I sent you an email, but it appears you did not get it as I have not heard back from you..

Hugs to all and I hope you rest well.
Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Police Brutality - When Is It Going To Stop

The following are two videos of current police brutality inside precincts in two states of the United States in 2008. Yes, you heard me.. In 2008. If you have ever been raped or a victim of sexual assault, the second one you probably do not want to watch.

When is this going to stop in America? Does our role model, George Bush, Jr., The President of the United States have some responsibility in this? He has condoned brutality in Guantanamo Bay, removing the most basic rights of human beings. What we were taught as children to be wrong in our Social Studies classes based on the treatment of the Jews and the behaviors of Hitler seems to be acceptable policy in Guantanamo Bay. Has this bled over to all law enforcement? Clearly, I have more questions than I do answers.

Over the last few years we have seen reports out of Florida regarding the legal system misusing their taser guns and beating even children. If I remember correctly a small boy was tasered by the police. Not just one, but several cases have been caught on video or otherwise documented.

Below you will see a video of a man thrown out of his wheelchair in Florida by a female deputy because she believed he was not paraplegic. All deputies stand by and do nothing, while yet a male deputy walks away, finding the actions and behaviors of this female deputy funny. Not one person came to this wheelchair bound mans aid or showed any form of compassion. Yet another outrage in the Florida legal system!

The second video shows a woman who is arrested in Ohio being forcibly strip-searched by several male and female deputies with her arms cuffed behind her back. The woman was a victim of a crime and instead of the perpetrator of the crime being brought in, the woman was arrested. Is this the America you grew up in? Is this the America we want our future generations to grow up in?

My personal belief is our own government has become the Terrorists. We have defied the United Nations and have chosen to take on the world. A world who has lost respect for us and hates us. There was a time in my life I was proud to be an American. Now I fear being American. When do we stand up? How do we stand up?

Man Dumped From WheelChair by Deputy In Florida




Brutal Ohio Police Strip Search Of A Woman (who was the victim of a crime)



First They Came for the Jews



First they came for the Jews

and I did not speak out

because I was not a Jew.

Then they came for the Communists

and I did not speak out

because I was not a Communist.

Then they came for the trade unionists

and I did not speak out

because I was not a trade unionist.

Then they came for me

and there was no one left

to speak out for me.


Pastor Martin Niemöller
Friday, February 08, 2008

California Dreamin

Well here it is, 5 1/2 years since my brother Eddie committed suicide. I have long since wanted to go back to California, but did not have the courage to walk back into Eddie's and Hal's home. I was not ready.

I have missed the Bay Area for a long time. I am under no illusion it will be the same as when I left many years ago. But ya know, it has its plus'. Many of them. My sexual orientation would be served well by going back, although I am very leary of lesbians in general at this point. I think many of them are pretty messed up. I am not thinking relationships in my future as part of this decision. Mostly I am thinking it would be nice to get involved with Bay Area Women for Understanding again... Berkley has groups called SOL. No, that is not Shit out of Luck.. It is Slightly Older Lesbians. My fishing is there.. I am sure most I once knew are either dead or have moved away. And lets face it... At 55 I am not going to be going to the disco techs everynight. OH!! Thats right!! Disco is out now. haha

My breathing would be much better out there as well. My doctors have told me I have to get away from the black mold and the high humidity. I guess I am kinda like Moe.. I just wanna go home. The experiences I have had in Alabama probably play a part in this, but the fact is I am finally coming to terms with Eddie's Death and am ready to face it now. I am also ready to face the fact my own health is not at its best and I need family around. Hal is my family.

I can help Hal more easily if I am in the same community. I miss Hal. Even since Eddie died, he has been able to get his wonderful sense of humor back. It took a long time, but it is back. He is one of the most down to earth and funny guys I have known. I remember him telling me once that I did not have to take all my things with me on vacation. HAHA! You know I did not get it? I always came back to Contra Costa County when my adventures came to a close.

Making money in California always came easy for me. When I was 26 my mortgage was $1800.00 and was a no brainer to meet. Here in the south, if it were not for no money, people would not have any money at all. I want stability. When my car funks, I want to be able to fix it. Let me rephrase!!! I want a car that is not going to funk. I cannot make the kind of money I need here to be certain that will happen.

I understood how Californians functioned and worked. The variety is broader and one does not have to worry about a social circle. No.. Being a lesbian or a gay person is not a criteria for my social circle. I tended to have more than one subgroup when I was out there anyway.

Mostly, I miss Hal and familiarity. I don't think this southern thing is for me. I like the burbs and to be able to visit a big city when I want. So being close to a big city is a plus. Additionally it is nice to be close to gambling. REAL Gambling.. It is nice to be close to San Francisco.. And it is nice to be close to Santa Cruz. I can enjoy the Nevada mountains as well as the ocean.

As far as my health, there is better health care. As far as my income I am the only one who can limit it. The housing is much more expensive, but I have gone to work on Hal to see if I can rent from him. He has a huge home. The downside to that is I would have to put up with the negativity of my half brother Billie. Mr. Pias himself.

The bad thing is there is no MCC in Contra Costa County anymore. I will miss that. I was one of the founding members of Diablo Valley MCC, which has long since discipated. The founding pastor, Rev Bob Cunningham passed away a few years ago.

This will not be an overnight thing to plan or put together. I need to finish my house so I can sell it and put the profits in savings. Hopefully by fall I can pull it off. I will have my stuff I decide to keep shipped and sell all my vehicles etc and fly out there... Then replace when I get out there because I am better off buying something that is smog compliant. Californias smog laws are pretty tight.

I met some good folks down here, but I also met some folks that were not so kind. One thing I learned is not to jump into a relationship right away as it is a sure setup to get hurt emotionally. I had a double lesson on making sure who I am seeing is not on the rebound. It is the foundation for a disaster. I think being a bit older kind of created the foundation that I did not have forever to work with. Frankly, I am not so sure I want to do that again. Temper Tantrums and secret keepers are something I don't want to deal with again. Nor do I want to deal with verbal assaults.

I know nothing will be the same when I go back. People move on with their lives. This includes Hal.. I know I won't be backpacking into the High Sierra's as I once did. Nor will I be working in Aerospace or biomedical research. Aerospace as I once knew it long since has died. But I do know that being around something I understand has it's benefits.

Don't get me wrong! I have met some awesome people up here in these woods and I know I am loved. I could not have picked a better place without family to live. I will miss my local church if I do this. My mind is not made up for certain, but it is definately a consideration. If Hal says yes and I can sell my home I am definately going.

Well I am tuckered as I had to work today. Think I will catch a flick and go to bed.
Sunday, February 03, 2008

I am home from Connecticut - updating as thoughts unfold

Over the last few weeks, plans have been being made for me to go to Connecticut to get Moe out of the Medical Examiners Office. I did not talk about this prior to going as I did not think it would be wise to put it on the www that I was not going to be home.

I flew in on Monday and closed out Moe's apartment on Tuesday. There was not much to do as she truly had been living as a minimalist.

My niece picked me up at the airport on Monday and it was so fun to see her all grown up and living an adult life. She is absolutely spunky and delightful. One of the things I like about her is she is so up front and there is no guesswork as to how she is feeling about various topics.

also on Tuesday I contacted the Funeral Home who had told me it would not be an issue not getting their money up front. As it turns out they are a bait and switch type of Funeral Home that waits until the 13th hour to let you know they want all money up front. I stayed an extra day to find a funeral home who would work with me. I found one and they were wonderful. While my original plans were to bring Moe home with me after she was cremated, I will have to have her mailed to me. I wanted to take her on one last road trip. I know it sounds dumb perhaps, but it is a sentimental thing with me.

After I finished all that I rested for the night and drove back on Thursday morning. I drove 800 miles on Thursday and finally caved in and got a room. The seat was not comfortable to try and catch a few hours on and be rested. Friday I finished up my drive and arrived home a little after four in the afternoon.

The drive was a good thing. It gave me time to reflect back on the life of a friend I call Moe. Moe was perhaps one of the most complex women I have known in my life. I feel a sense of relief that I was able to do this for her and to finally have gotten it done. I still have to sort out her financial affairs and give an accounting to the judge.

When I got home I did as much as I could for now to contact her friends which were on her cell phone. I have placed a temporary suspension on the cell phone until the death certificate arrives. They will then remove the account completely. I hope I have not missed anyone.

I don't have much more to say right now, but will share more when I finishing with the financial affairs. What I have learned through this is there are a lot of complications in even getting bill balances. Without a death certificate I have gotten nowhere. However I will have that within 10 days. I paid for and placed all the legal ads that Connecticut required on Wednesday.

I actually worked Saturday. Then I went to church this morning and worked this afternoon.

For those who helped me make this happen, I wish to thank you. For without your help this would not have been possible. For all of us who cared about a friend we all called Moe (Gentle Touch) just know this has been taken care of and she is in a much better place. For all the hurts and pains she has had in her life, she is now whole and is not suffering anymore. Through this process I found there were several who truly cared about her and had been concerned.

While I am relieved, I have an ache in my heart. I have been so numb with this over the last few weeks and have just gone through the daily motions I am supposed to and have not grieved her loss yet. It seems surreal I won't have her calling me anymore. No more Merry Christmas', no more Happy Birthdays, and no more just catching up in general. And did I forget no more pranks? Ö¿Ö Another piece of me is missing. Moe was one of the last constants in my life. I was teary the day I heard about it, but today I cried for the first time whereas I could not hide my feelings in front of others.

I won't stay immersed in this. One thing I got from all this is we have but one life here on earth and I want to spend what I have left of it to its fullest. I will allow myself time to feel, grieve, and heal. I imagine I am right where I am supposed to be under the circumstances. God has been there through all of this and will help me through my grieving process.

I think something else I got from this is a renewal of my stance on embracing those who march to a beat of a different drum. I took the time to get to know someone who ran to the beat of a different drum. In doing so, I gained so much from this experience; The gifts were many. We talk about tolerance amongst different cultures and spiritual beliefs. Moe taught me tolerance. But she taught me much more than tolerance; She taught me acceptance and forgiveness as well. She taught me not to throw the baby out with the bath.

Thanks for listening
Lorretta
Wednesday, January 23, 2008

What Is Your Purpose?



I am having one of those Pensive Days. Well, I guess I am getting to the age where I am reflecting on the sum total of my life. Lately I have been thinking about people I have known and what they have accomplished in their lives. It is neat, really, to see what direction people I have known over the years, what was important to them, and what was there purpose.

While thinking about this I realized what has been most important to me in my life is to have a life that contained 'purpose'. While 'purpose' can change, there has always been 'purpose' in my life. I suspect this is true of all of us. For a number of years, my purpose was to help change the laws in this country regarding child offenders. Later that purpose became making myself available to those who had been harmed as children. I finally felt the need to step back from this as I was having health problems.

During the period where my health was most rocky and some mobility had been impaired, I found myself feeling as if my life no longer contained purpose. Later as I began my road to recovery my purpose was actually to start living life again and enjoying it. Gradually I was able to give again via community service via the internet.

While thinking about all this, I realized even small things are of purpose for me. For example, the ability to do things for myself and not feel guilty about them. To live out my dreams of living a more simplictic life... To grow gardens and work on my home. Or simply to stay a step ahead of a declining economy whereas I am able to utilize my land to rely less on grocery stores.

Sooo. For those of you who care to share, what is important to you and what is your purpose?
Monday, January 21, 2008

Cupcake The Kitten - Apple of my eye

I needed to lighten up my posts for a few minutes at least. I loved this video. If you are a cat lover I am sure you will love it too. Gardenia, I will gladly supply you the code.
Thursday, January 17, 2008

And They Call It Puppy Love



cute puppy and duckling companionship


Add to My Profile More Videos


I truly enjoyed this one. Like most children the duckling and the puppy had not been conditioned by society to believe they were not the most likely pair and it was well outside the social norms. If we can teach diversity in ducklings and puppies, can we not teach diversity in our children so they will grow up to be better people? What a wonderful world it would be!

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Medicare Deductibles - Quality of Life Dropping Rapidly



Well dang! I went to the Drugstore tonight because my breathing was giving me fits and was going to pick up my medications before I ran out. I have 4 days worth left. With the way gas prices are verses what I drive, 15 miles each way is a long ways to go and I try to time things where I am not wasteful. Well, anyway, I go into the pharmacy and have my standard amount in hand to pay for my medications. They come back with an outlandish amount and I said there must be some mistake. Nope!! No Mistake. My insurance does not cover anything that is a Medicare covered drug. With my insurance the deductible would only be $5.00 per medication. I Take 22 scripts. But since it is medicare the best each of them will be is $55.00 for one and $5.00 for the other. ummmm That is AFTER I meet the deductible. The medications are still there at the pharmacy as I cannot afford them.

You know, I don't get this. They tell me I qualify for poverty level medicare rates and give me a little over $900.00 for SSD. Then they turn around and give me this deductible. It makes no sense to me how they figure this. This puts me further behind than I was two years ago.

Well I got snitty. Not at the person helping me, but at the situation. I told her I have friends that would be dead in two days if this happened to them. She agreed. Then I furthered to say that maybe this regime is working towards a pure society and deliberately trying to get throw aways off the roles by placing us in the position we could not get our medications. She looked stunned.

Now I know I am a good person and not a throw-away, but after watching what happened during the aftermath of Katrina I began to realize there is a huge difference at the help someone from Palm Beach gets vs. someone who lives in the poorest neighborhood of New Orleans. Don't laugh or roll your eyes... I don't think this is that far fetched. Look back... Seniors and disabled were the last taken out; even then it was in the back of U-Haul trucks. Do you remember the heat index? It was over 100 degrees. I think our current president would be more than happy to have a pure white society.

I live frugally. I don't go out to movies and I rarely go out to eat. I try to budget my comfort level here at the house. Even after budgeting my electric, for which I was still cold, my bill was $140.00. My partial solution to that was to turn off my cable television. the only frill, and then it is not a frill is my computer, which a church member donated.

I know I cannot be the only one who is going through this. I simply can't be. Two years ago I could make ends meet. Even a year ago, but it was tight.

I know God will take care of me as God always does. But darned, I am to the point of having to beg for help and I don't like this one bit. And you know, I see a lot of people on the streets that I know God loves. So my hopes of how God will take care of me may not equate to how it plays out. For any of us for that matter.

The waiting lists for senior and disabled housing are upwards of 3 to 5 years down here due to the hurricanes. Even then, with the cuts in all the programs, will I be any better off? How long will they last? At least here, even though I live on unfinished plywood floors I know I have a place. I don't think there is much difference here than there would be in an apartment complex for seniors and disabled individuals.

Already I have had to stoop to receiving groceries from food pantry's. And even then a good share of it I am not supposed to have and is not good for my already high cholesterol and my heart. My doctor writes down non-compliant every time I go in. My bad cholesterol is 198. My overall cholesterol is 325. Yet another doctor wants me to move to a dryer climate. HELLO!! Financially that is not going to happen unless I win the lottery.

I used the calculator online at the Human Services site for food stamps. I'll be darned.. It appears I may qualify. Yet two years ago I did not. The economy is so upside down it is just awful. Maybe we can help even things out with that.

Society seems to be set up to punish seniors and people with disabilities. And yes, those who are less advantaged, not as attractive, and not as smart. I know this is not about me and I am just one of many who this effects. But you know, I try to be there for others, I try to be giving, and I try to do the right things... I was always taught if I worked hard, treated others right, and did things a certain way the rest would come.

Well I am done ranting and will go figure out other ways to work around this.

Thanks for listening.
Ya Think?





Monday, January 14, 2008

Let It Go by T.D. Jakes


Photobucket


What you see below was on my Pastors Blog: Hope you appreciate it as much as I do.
I see a lot in this that can apply to my life.

January 7, 2008
Let It Go!
This was sent to me and I have no idea if TD Jakes said it or not, but it is awesome and such good advise. Maybe it will help some of you understand more where I'm coming from on some issues. Enjoy!



By T. D. Jakes

There are people who can walk away from you.
And hear me when I tell you this! When people can walk
Away from you: let them walk.
I don't want you to try to talk another person into staying with you,
Loving you, calling you, caring about you, coming to see you,
Staying attached to you.
I mean hang up the phone.
When people can walk away from you let them walk.
Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left.
The Bible said that, they came out from us that it might
Be made manifest that they were not for us.
For had they been of us, no doubt they
Would have continued with us. [1 John 2:19]
People leave you because they are not joined to you.
And if they are not joined to you, you can't make them stay.
Let them go.
And it doesn't mean that they are a bad person it just means
That their part in the story is over. And you've got
To know when people's part in your story is over so that you
Don't keep trying to raise the dead.
You've got to know when it's dead.
You've got to know when it's over. Let me tell you something.
I've got the gift of good-bye. It's the tenth spiritual gift,
I believe in good-bye. It's not that I'm hateful,
it's that I'm faithful, and I know whatever God
Means for me to have He'll give it to me.
And if it takes too much sweat I don't need it.
Stop begging people to stay.
Let them go!!
If you are holding on to something that doesn't belong to you
And was never intended for your life, then you need to......
LET IT GO!!!
If you are holding on to past hurts and pains ......
LET IT GO!!!
If someone can't treat you right, love you back,
And see your worth.....
LET IT GO!!!
If someone has angered you,
LET IT GO!!!
If you are holding on to some thoughts of evil and revenge......
LET IT GO!!!
If you are involved in a wrong relationship or addiction......
LET IT GO!!!
If you are holding on to a job that no longer meets
Your needs or talents
LET IT GO!!!
If you have a bad attitude.......
LET IT GO!!!
If you keep judging others to make yourself feel better......
LET IT GO!!!
If you're stuck in the past and God is trying to take
You to a new level in Him........
LET IT GO!!!
If you are struggling with the healing of a broken relationship.......
LET IT GO!!!
If you keep trying to help someone who won't even
Try to help themselves......
LET IT GO!!!
If you're feeling depressed and stressed .........
LET IT GO!!!
If there is a particular situation that you are so used to
Handling yourself and God is saying
"take your hands off of it," then you need to......
LET IT GO!!!
Let the past be the past. Forget the former things.
GOD is doing a new thing for this New Year!
LET IT GO!!!
Get Right or Get Left .. Think about it, and then,
LET IT GO!!!
"The Battle is the Lord's!"

About Me

**Ya Think**
Lodi, California, United States
I was raised in Wyoming where the Small Town Environment never left my soul. I have returned to California after living several years in the South. I look forward to life here and am grateful for the opportunity to return home in such a magnificent way!! Thank you my dear friends who all made this possible
View my complete profile