Friday, December 14, 2007
Rough Night!!
Wow.. I feel as if a flood has hit my door... Mostly I have been wandering in and out of numbness for a few days.
Since finding about about Moe, I have cried, laughed, and sat with my feelings remembering our years together as friends. We could get into some of the worst feuds in the earlier years and eventually resolve it. In some ways, I think Moe and I taught each other forgiveness. Since 2002, we never uttered and unkind word to one another and our sisterly feuding came to a crying holt. I am so glad for that.
There was a time in our live's that what one of us did not think up to do, the other one did. Some in fun, some in gest, and some just purely as disfunctional as could be. But with the passage of time, we both grew and progressed in our healing journeys.
Some of my fun times with Moe was when I used to come through California in my big-truck and meet her somewhere. I will never forget the first time she saw me crawl out of my truck. I realize I am so tiny compared to the average driver. I used to enjoy bringing her gifts I would have purchased at various truck stops along the nation's highways. I will never forget when she first met my little Sassy Dog. She fell for her instantly and it was determined right then if anything ever happened to me, she would get Miss Sassy. I guess that won't be happening now, so I will simply have to outlive Miss Sassy.
Moe and I shared the same disease. COPD is not a fun disease to learn to manage and control. Giving up smoking is a gruelling task. I suppose I will always miss smoking. Moe tried so hard the last few months to put em down, but she simply could not do it. I cannot fault her as I know all too well how difficult it is. The VA does not award their patients the gift of Chantix. I will always wonder if she would have been successful with Chantix. I know people who had tried absolutely everything and were die hard smokers that were successful with Chantix. I believe it is my saving grace at this point. Knock on wood. Back to the VA, I have wondered if they have this secret deal whereas they do minimal treatment to get the baby boomers off the books who are on VA disability and/or retirement. Look at the money it would save the government. This is something I am wondering and have not read anywhere. So don't quote me on it; I am just in my conspiracy theorist mood tonight.
Well they added Lasix to my list of medications. I cannot believe it.. Yesterday my ex called and even though I told her I had just come from the doctor and they had added Lasix she cranked it up. Now she is a nurse!! Certainly she knows Lasix is for congestive heart related issues. And one would think she had to know one of the things my doctor said was limit the stressers in your life. Ya think? She hung up on me and then called back to apologize for being so reactionary. ummm... me thinks the word reactionary was a rather smooth way of not saying being so abusive. Reactionary is designed to put it back on me. By the end of the second conversation she became reactionary again and hung up. I don't think putting my foot down has gone over well.
My breathing is finally settling down for the time being. I am having to run the de-humidifier 24/7 and I have no idea how I am going to keep up with my electric bill in doing so. I think digesting Moe and staring at all the increased medications, I am simply overwhelmed. I am going to have to use containment and handle this a bit at a time.
As far as living life, I am going to strive to live life to its fullest and not take the time I have here for granted. I have lost so many friends, confidants, and peers over the last few years. I know none of us has forever. But I have so much I still want to do and so many things I have not been able to do. There is so much that is not finished for me yet.
Well let me try this sleep thing again... I am so tired but cannot sleep.
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