Sunday, December 30, 2007
Finally Done - Last Will And Testament...
Well, my will was finally finalized today at the church office. I had to wait until then to find a notary and enough witnesses. The bank said they cannot do wills and such, so we went this route.
I thought there would be something freeing about getting this done, but somehow with the more witnesses it just felt like it complicated things more. The nice thing about witnesses at the bank or an attorneys office is there is no connection to them. None whatsoever. At church it felt like a connectedness, which I simply did not want to feel right now. Don't get me wrong, as I do appreciate what they did.
Well at least it is done and that was the responsible thing to do. I went through the footwork of having a will and durable done at the same time, but somehow I wondered why I was doing that part, other than that is what I am supposed to do.
There was little feeling for me today, other than I have done what I am supposed to do, because society says so AND because I wanted to have a voice in what happens to me and what happens to the remnants in the way of 'stuff' when I am gone.
You notice in the photo on the left the will looks all pretty and flowery.. I see nothing pretty or flowery about a will except it lets someone know of my intent. I trust the holder of this will with all my heart.
I have had a bit of difficulty over wills in the past few years. A friend of mine passed away and I sat in amazement as my old pastor that I left behind open a sealed will that was not his to open.. And then later had an attorney destroy the will by means of burning it. The person was alive and in a rest home and no longer able to make responsible decisions. I never will know if she told them to or not, but the woman I knew would never have let them do that. AND she was one of the most territorial women I ever knew. She signed everything, including her fishing rods if it was at all possible.
Then there is the will Rhonda managed to manipulate over my father. His intentions were clear for years and within the last year or so of his life, suddenly three codicil's were added, relinquishing his wishes which and been in place for years and giving all to Rhonda over a period of a short time. He died of stage 7 Alzheimer's disease. Clearly he was not in any mental state to have made these types of decisions during the last years of his life.
At least I know the two people I selected to oversee mine will not play these types of games. So that is a good thing...
Off to bed for me. I spent enough time and have given enough energy to this will thingie. It will do what I need for it to do and that is truly all that matters at the end of a day.
Thursday, December 27, 2007
Bonus Miles or Frequent Flyer Miles or Paypal?
I have been made the limited administrator for Moe's affairs, meaning I have to follow what the Probate Courts tell me to do to a T. So here is the deal. My pastor and church says God puts the right people at the right time with the right resources exactly when we need them. So I am going to put my faith in God. I don't believe God allowed me to be assigned to handle Moes burial and to get her life in order if God did not believe the resources would show themselves when they are needed.
Here is what I need... I need Frequent Flyer Miles or Bonus Miles to get to Connecticut so I can get Moe out of the Medical Examiners Office and have her placed with a Funeral Home. She has been at the Medical Examiners office since a week after Thanksgiving. Additionally, if this is not possible, any increments, regardless of size added to my paypal account will help. I will be driving her vehicle back until the courts advise me what I am supposed to do with it.
Any help at all, I will be grateful for. Moe gave to others so unconditionally.. Please help me get the balance of her life settled.
I have put a donation button up on the upper right corner of my blog for those of you who wish to help. It would not embed on this page...
When I get there, the MCC church in their area has stated they will have no problem getting me a place to stay with one of their members.
Thanks to all..
Rough Night Last Night
Well after about 2 weeks of being able to breath better than for a very long time, I had trouble last night. I got up and did a breathing treatment and tried to go back to bed. Did not stay down long as every time I did my lungs start getting fluid in em. Just enough to make me fricken miserable. When I figured enough time had lapsed I took some more tussive syrup and that seemed to do it. Kind of a disappointment as I thought this last round of medications had pretty well adjusted everything. POOP!! It gets scary when that happens. I feel a lot better today other than I am tired and do not feel rested.
Wednesday, December 26, 2007
Brandy Carlile - The Story - Taken From Gray's Anatomy
Brandi Carlile - The Story - Taken From Gray's Anatomy
All of these lines across my face
Tell you the story of who I am
So many stories of where I've been
And how I got to where I am
But these stories don't mean anything
When you've got no one to tell them to
It's true...I was made for you
I climbed across the mountain tops
Swam all across the ocean blue
I crossed all the lines and I broke all the rules
But baby I broke them all for you
Because even when I was flat broke
You made me feel like a million bucks
Yeah you do and I was made for you
You see the smile that's on my mouth
Is hiding the words that don't come out
And all of my friends who think that I'm blessed
They don't know my head is a mess
No, they don't know who I really am
And they don't know what I've been through but you do
And I was made for you...
Monday, December 24, 2007
Merry Christmas Everyone
I wish each and every one of you a wonderful and Blessed Christmas. I hope each of you have a great Christmas Eve and a Merry Christmas.
God has gifted me in so many ways. There has been healing of the hearts within my family. My health has settled some in the last week or two. I have been blessed with so many offers for a place to spend Christmas Day. Thank you God for placing so many wonderful people in my life.
The people and pets in my life I thank God for Everyday. This evening I will be spending with little Miss Sassy and Annie Fanny. I made up socks for each of them and I will give them each one surprise out of it tonight, and they can have the rest of their presents when we get up in the morning. You know they are not dumb. Both of them keep sitting there and staring at their socks.
Once again, Have a wonderful Christmas Eve and a Blessed Christmas Day.
Ya Think?
God has gifted me in so many ways. There has been healing of the hearts within my family. My health has settled some in the last week or two. I have been blessed with so many offers for a place to spend Christmas Day. Thank you God for placing so many wonderful people in my life.
The people and pets in my life I thank God for Everyday. This evening I will be spending with little Miss Sassy and Annie Fanny. I made up socks for each of them and I will give them each one surprise out of it tonight, and they can have the rest of their presents when we get up in the morning. You know they are not dumb. Both of them keep sitting there and staring at their socks.
Once again, Have a wonderful Christmas Eve and a Blessed Christmas Day.
Ya Think?
Mr Murphy's Gone To Heaven
Well Mr Murphy had to be put to sleep this morning. Of all days for his condition to worsen and have to do it. Murph was blind in both eyes and had a tumor on his little wee wee. It was getting much bigger. A few months ago he began to get black spots all over his back. Yesterday when Vicki and I went to call him in he was sitting about two feet in front of us and it was like he did not even know we were there. This morning there was mucus with blood in it in his urine. This morning Vicki and I took him to the vets and the vet felt it was time. My vet was not open so I had to track one down that was.
At least I know he is in a better place and I know the year I had him here he has had a lot of love and been pampered. I am grateful Vicki was there to help me get through this. It was hard on her too, as she had known him for years.
Gonna go lay down for a bit...
At least I know he is in a better place and I know the year I had him here he has had a lot of love and been pampered. I am grateful Vicki was there to help me get through this. It was hard on her too, as she had known him for years.
Gonna go lay down for a bit...
Sunday, December 23, 2007
Update On Moe
Well the courts were only able to find a half sister from Moe's birth mother. The half sister has signed off with the Probate Courts, asking me to be assigned as the administrator for Moe. Her hands are full right now, as her teenage son has cancer, combined with the fact she was not raised with Moe. The judge signed the order on Friday. Finally, I will be able to get Moe out of the Medical Examiners Office. Without the permission from the Probate Courts, I could not as much as talk to the Military to make arrangements for her. There are degrees of being an administrator. Mine is under very tight control of the Probate Courts and I have to get permission and approval from them each step of the way. If there are any assets and no will, the half-sister will receive the assets left after the bills are paid. The apartment complex has worked with me well thus far, as have the police and the Probate Courts. My job right now is to take care of Moe's funeral arrangements and get her bills/assets sorted; When I am done with that I am to go to the Probate Courts to do what they tell me to do next.
I have not much more to tell at this point. The flights are going to cost me approximately $600.00 when all is said and done. My Pastor is working on getting our church members to donate their frequent flyer miles for me to get up there. There is much I can do here while she is attempting that. If any of you out there have frequent flyer miles, or bonus miles, please let me know, or if you care to donate towards the flight, you can send it to my paypal account. If none of this works, I will have to go to the truck stop and see if I can ride up with a driver, which I hope I do not have to do. The landlady said Moe was living as a Minimalist, which I thought was a very nice way to put it. The police detective supported what she has stated. She stated they had to have a professional clean-up crew come in which only cleans up after the deceased when they have been there a while. Her bed had to be removed, as were the moldy dishes.
The sister and the Probate Courts have approved Moe to come back here with me. I am having her cremated. I own my home and live in the woods.
I am almost certain the MCC Church in the area will have a member I can stay with through this process. So that will limit expenses there. I spoke with a man from their church and will call him back this week. He said they will help in any way they can. I am on an extremely fixed income so I have to do this as frugally as possible without short-changing Moe.
My Golly... Even writing this, I still get a knot in my tummy. This does not seem possible that I am making arrangements for a friend of many years, much less six years younger than I am. She was so spirited it is hard, even now, to think she is gone.
Moe's website has already been safeguarded and will remain up and intact. The only thing that will be added is her birthday and departure dates. I will be handling this as I promised Moe over the years I would take care of it. I already had the info to do so. I own a commercial server so I am moving her onto it.
So here is the first update. This whole thing was such a wake up call, my pastor and I sat down and did my will this week, along with advanced directives, power of attorneys, and durables.
Well I have to get with it for the day... I hope all of you are doing well and enjoying the Holiday Season. If it is a seaon you have a hard time with, I hope you have support or will reach out for support.
I have not much more to tell at this point. The flights are going to cost me approximately $600.00 when all is said and done. My Pastor is working on getting our church members to donate their frequent flyer miles for me to get up there. There is much I can do here while she is attempting that. If any of you out there have frequent flyer miles, or bonus miles, please let me know, or if you care to donate towards the flight, you can send it to my paypal account. If none of this works, I will have to go to the truck stop and see if I can ride up with a driver, which I hope I do not have to do. The landlady said Moe was living as a Minimalist, which I thought was a very nice way to put it. The police detective supported what she has stated. She stated they had to have a professional clean-up crew come in which only cleans up after the deceased when they have been there a while. Her bed had to be removed, as were the moldy dishes.
The sister and the Probate Courts have approved Moe to come back here with me. I am having her cremated. I own my home and live in the woods.
I am almost certain the MCC Church in the area will have a member I can stay with through this process. So that will limit expenses there. I spoke with a man from their church and will call him back this week. He said they will help in any way they can. I am on an extremely fixed income so I have to do this as frugally as possible without short-changing Moe.
My Golly... Even writing this, I still get a knot in my tummy. This does not seem possible that I am making arrangements for a friend of many years, much less six years younger than I am. She was so spirited it is hard, even now, to think she is gone.
Moe's website has already been safeguarded and will remain up and intact. The only thing that will be added is her birthday and departure dates. I will be handling this as I promised Moe over the years I would take care of it. I already had the info to do so. I own a commercial server so I am moving her onto it.
So here is the first update. This whole thing was such a wake up call, my pastor and I sat down and did my will this week, along with advanced directives, power of attorneys, and durables.
Well I have to get with it for the day... I hope all of you are doing well and enjoying the Holiday Season. If it is a seaon you have a hard time with, I hope you have support or will reach out for support.
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
As we near Christmas
Well here it is, less than a week before Christmas. It has been slow getting into the Christmas Spirit, but the party at church Saturday Night rather helped some. Also, when I found the song Mary's Boy Child, that helped as well. What an awesome cut of it.
I found this Tree and I just love it. I hope I find more things that are fun like this on my pic searches over the next few days.
Pastor Sandy wants me to do a random generator with the 100 Names they Call Jesus. It finally dawned on me she would like this before Christmas. Ö¿Ö The generator has been updated to accomodate this and I will do the entries when I get home today. I am waiting to hear if she just wants the names or a leadin for the names.
I am going to spend this week trying to spend more time remembering what Christmas is about and not get caught up in the no family part of the deal... Muchless the I do not have a life partner to share it with part of the deal.
Well I have to go to Gulf Shores this morning. I may blog more when I get home.
Friday, December 14, 2007
Rough Night!!
Wow.. I feel as if a flood has hit my door... Mostly I have been wandering in and out of numbness for a few days.
Since finding about about Moe, I have cried, laughed, and sat with my feelings remembering our years together as friends. We could get into some of the worst feuds in the earlier years and eventually resolve it. In some ways, I think Moe and I taught each other forgiveness. Since 2002, we never uttered and unkind word to one another and our sisterly feuding came to a crying holt. I am so glad for that.
There was a time in our live's that what one of us did not think up to do, the other one did. Some in fun, some in gest, and some just purely as disfunctional as could be. But with the passage of time, we both grew and progressed in our healing journeys.
Some of my fun times with Moe was when I used to come through California in my big-truck and meet her somewhere. I will never forget the first time she saw me crawl out of my truck. I realize I am so tiny compared to the average driver. I used to enjoy bringing her gifts I would have purchased at various truck stops along the nation's highways. I will never forget when she first met my little Sassy Dog. She fell for her instantly and it was determined right then if anything ever happened to me, she would get Miss Sassy. I guess that won't be happening now, so I will simply have to outlive Miss Sassy.
Moe and I shared the same disease. COPD is not a fun disease to learn to manage and control. Giving up smoking is a gruelling task. I suppose I will always miss smoking. Moe tried so hard the last few months to put em down, but she simply could not do it. I cannot fault her as I know all too well how difficult it is. The VA does not award their patients the gift of Chantix. I will always wonder if she would have been successful with Chantix. I know people who had tried absolutely everything and were die hard smokers that were successful with Chantix. I believe it is my saving grace at this point. Knock on wood. Back to the VA, I have wondered if they have this secret deal whereas they do minimal treatment to get the baby boomers off the books who are on VA disability and/or retirement. Look at the money it would save the government. This is something I am wondering and have not read anywhere. So don't quote me on it; I am just in my conspiracy theorist mood tonight.
Well they added Lasix to my list of medications. I cannot believe it.. Yesterday my ex called and even though I told her I had just come from the doctor and they had added Lasix she cranked it up. Now she is a nurse!! Certainly she knows Lasix is for congestive heart related issues. And one would think she had to know one of the things my doctor said was limit the stressers in your life. Ya think? She hung up on me and then called back to apologize for being so reactionary. ummm... me thinks the word reactionary was a rather smooth way of not saying being so abusive. Reactionary is designed to put it back on me. By the end of the second conversation she became reactionary again and hung up. I don't think putting my foot down has gone over well.
My breathing is finally settling down for the time being. I am having to run the de-humidifier 24/7 and I have no idea how I am going to keep up with my electric bill in doing so. I think digesting Moe and staring at all the increased medications, I am simply overwhelmed. I am going to have to use containment and handle this a bit at a time.
As far as living life, I am going to strive to live life to its fullest and not take the time I have here for granted. I have lost so many friends, confidants, and peers over the last few years. I know none of us has forever. But I have so much I still want to do and so many things I have not been able to do. There is so much that is not finished for me yet.
Well let me try this sleep thing again... I am so tired but cannot sleep.
Thursday, December 13, 2007
No Matter What
I found this song while searching for something else on the Internet. I don't know why, really, but it spoke volumes to me. It is currently playing on my blog, but I am also linking it for when I change music on the blog. I believe what I got out of it may not be the intent of the author, but I believe this is one of those songs that can fit other scenarios as well, not to exclude oppression.
Here are the lyrics. You may click on the title to save a copy for yourself, but please be sure and source out who it belongs to.
No Matter What
Boyzone
Andrew Lloyd Webber (music)/Jim Steinman(lyrics)
No matter what they tell us
No matter what they do
No matter what they teach us
What we believe is true
No matter what they call us
However they attack
No matter where they take us
We'll find our own way back
I can't deny what I believe
I can't be what I'm not
I know I'll love forever
I know, no matter what
If only tears were laughter
If only night was day
If only prayers were answered
Then we would hear God say
No matter what they tell you
No matter what they do
No matter what they teach you
What you believe is true
And I will keep you safe and strong
And sheltered from the storm
No matter where it's barren
A dream is being born
No matter who they follow
No matter where they lead
No matter how they judge us
I'll be everyone you need
No matter if the sun don't shine
Or if the skies are blue
No matter what the end is
My life began with you
I can't deny what I believe
I can't be what I'm not
I know, I know
I know this love's forever
That's all that matters now
No matter what
Wednesday, December 05, 2007
Abusive Relationships
Well I finally articulated everything that happened with the woman I was involved with. Rather than give a blow by blow set of events which turned out to be pages and a scroll, I have decided to summarize with the areas of the abuse cycle which resulted in the decision to remove her from my life. Actually, the specific things that happened do not need to be voiced here... What I realized in studying this topic is the cycle of abuse which happened seem to fall true from abuser to abuser. Click here or on the title and you will find a link to a pdf file I feel covers abuse cycles in same sex relationships and is about the best study I have found thus far. Additionally you see the two wheels of what a healthy relationship should and should not be. Without question, this was about power and control...
So here we go...
Physical Abuse:
She did not do anything in the criteria of actual physical abuse, but I felt it was heading this way if I did not get out.
Coercion & Threats:
- She destroyed my possessions
Intimidation:
- Scaring me with with looks
- Yelling
- Gestures
- Body Language
- Throwing Things
- Destroying Property
- Showing Up Uninvited or Unannounced
- Not honoring my desires for her not to be here at certain times
- Throwing tantrums when I tried to set boundaries
- Constantly threatening to leave if I did not let her have her own way
Emotional Abuse:
- Verbally Assaulting with insults
- Criticisms
- Name Calling
- Punishing me for making mistakes
- Professing that I was unlovable and sexually inadequate
- Ignoring my feelings, thoughts, and concerns
- Used intimate knowledge to create vulnerability
- "Drastic mood changes or sudden emotional outbursts. Whenever someone in your life reacts very differently at different times to the same behavior from you, tells you one thing one day and the opposite the next, or likes something you do one day and hates it the next, you are being abused with unpredictable responses."
Denying (all of this category found on another emotional abuse site) Most of this fit.
- Denying a person's emotional needs, especially when they feel that need the most, and done with the intent of hurting, punishing or humiliating
- The other person may deny that certain events occurred or that certain things were said. confronts the abuser about an incident of name calling, the abuser may insist, "I never said that," "I don't know what you're talking about," etc. You know differently.
- The other person may deny your perceptions, memory and very sanity.
Withholding is another form of denying. Withholding includes refusing to listen, refusing to communicate, and emotionally withdrawing as punishment. This is sometimes called the "silent treatment." - When the abuser disallows and overrules any viewpoints, perceptions or feelings which differ from their own.
- Denying can be particularly damaging. In addition to lowering self-esteem and creating conflict, the invalidation of reality, feelings, and experiences can eventually lead you to question and mistrust your own perceptions and emotional experience.
- Denying and other forms of emotional abuse can cause you to lose confidence in your most valuable survival tool: your own mind.
Isolation:
- Attempted to control who I saw, socialized with, and talked to
- Created an exaggerated Dependency on her
Sexual Abuse:
- Attempted to make me feel bad about my sexual history
- Demeaning remarks about my sexual response levels
Economic Abuse:
- Created a situation whereas she had control of finances
- Used finances to control me, hurt me, and punish me
- Damaged Property
Entitlement:
- Treated me as inferior
- Used differences to her advantage - lack of class privilege, disability, physical ability, history of trauma.
- Almost Always came first
- Interfered with sleep
Intellectual Abuse:
- Would throw up in my face that I log and document everything
Spiritual Abuse
- Attempted to interfere with my way of studying the bible and meditations
- Attempted to control and regulate who I socialized with and sat with at church
- Refused to let me have my alone time with God & Meditations
- Attempted to dictate how I could meditate and sit with God.
There is a lot more, but this is a pretty good recap of the major things. It did not take me long to get my belly full and I got out from under it. The article I linked this title to is a great one on same sex abusive relationships.
I know I was afraid of her and felt like I was walking on eggshells. No matter how carefully I would word things not to set her off, she would ignite anyway.
This started early in when it should have been the honeymoon period.
Had I stuck to my guns and gone with the one year rule, I could have spared myself a lot of misery and pain. I was warned by my therapist and pastor not to allow this to move so quickly. I allowed myself to be manipulated and it moved more quickly than I had hoped it would. This is an area I definately have to work on.
This woman is a psych nurse and I believe she has the tools and skills to manipulate me and misused her expertise. Without question she had to be an authority figure; Power and Control is important to her.
One of the reasons I opted not to put blow by blow details here, is this is how I set myself up for getting into this mess in the first place. She had studied my writings and had plenty to work with in knowing what is important to me and the things that bothered me, as well as my likes and dislikes. Initially she came across as caring and attentative.
The positive is I saw this for what it was early in. Even then, it took time to go through the cycle of realization and exactly how I should handle it. I kept hoping it would get better, but it did not.
While not all areas of any of the emotional and verbal abuse articles applied here, many did. I was actually surprised to see how many.
I think one thing that same sex partners go through that hetero partners are not up against is there are less laws to protect them both physically and financially. I have not studied up on adding people with disabilities vs emotional and verbal abuse. I would imagine there are additional vulnerabilities in this area.
I hope this helps others who run across this in blog world and cyber-space to know they are not alone. What I have learned from this is not standing up for myself was about fear of what they could do next and how it would effect my life. The reality is once they do whatever it is they are going to do, they can never hurt you in these ways again. At some point it will exhaust itself.
Here's To Striving For Healthy Relationships & Friendships!
Monday, December 03, 2007
Well Today is Another Day!!
Wow!! The last few days have been something. Contacting people I had never talked to, or had not talked to in years was kind of scary actually. I tried to sound confident, but I truly did not feel all that confident.Actually, I have a sense of peace that is coming over me. The turmoil I was feeling seems to be subsiding. Much has gone on the last few months, and some if it seems not so bad today.
Today, it was a good day in many ways. My Pastor spoiled me and I got to spend some time with her over at the church. I have not been able to spend time with her in a very long time. Her administrative assistant pampered me and spoiled me with a computer that is in like new condition to aid me in the work I do on the church website. She was very bubbly and you could tell she was tickled for me. If I lived in town and worked in the church office, I would not need my own updated machine as they would provide it. God has a way of taking care of all of our needs. I need to send a regular card to the member who gave this machine to me. How wonderful of her.
It is always a plus to go into the church office and see my assistant there. She is always so positive and upbeat. She does an awesome job and sometimes I think I should validate her more. Perhaps I am taking her too much for granted these days. I don't want to do that. One thing I have learned for certain with Moe, is we never know how many days, months, or years we have to let people know how much we value them and how much we love them.
I also enjoyed seeing the head of our Care team while I was there. She does so much for the church and those who are struggling in the world. One of my friends was there, but I did not get to visit with her as much as I would like to have. I will catch up with her later.
Before I found out about Moe Bear, I was getting ready to address the woman I was in a relationship with for a limited time and set some boundaries. I had begun to articulate all that happened in such a short time. I am going to step away from it for a few more days to make sure what I am feeling and what I see is not clouded by the events which have occurred over the last few days. One thing I can say, is we as survivors must be careful with our hearts. This does not mean close our hearts... Just be more careful. We did not learn how to say no and set boundaries as children and I believe it leaves us as targets both financially and emotionally as adults. I was emotionally and verbally battered by this woman who is a mental health professional. The damage she has done emotionally and verbally, and the impact on my income will be felt for at least 2 years. A good lesson, and hopefully a final lesson, on meeting people online. I am still articulating what has occurred here in written form and may blog it here. I won't be using any names when I do. But again, please be careful with your hearts if you have survived trauma. There are those out there who will be more than happy to misuse your trust in them. This woman told me I would never have to keep my guard up; in reality I was never able to take it down. The good news is I did not stay immersed in this for several years and I got out quickly. I once asked her if her daughters husband were to treat her the way she was treating me, would she tolerate it. She said no.
Well I stepped back from this for a few days, and will step back for a few days more.
On a separate note. While I was talking to Wolf on the phone, my car started sounding just awful. I thought I had thrown a rod and so did Wolf. He could here it loudly. What it turned out to be is 4 out of 5 lug nut studs had sheered. I was about to lose a wheel and did not even know it. I turned around and brought it home and parked it. I took off in my van instead. My wonderful neighbors fixed it for me today.
I will keep everyone posted to any updates I have regarding Moe. I do know Moe did not pass away from foul play or suicide. They believe she died from complications of COPD. I concur, as I heard how badly her cough was the last night we spoke, and I know she had been put on oxygen in recent months. They will be giving the official date of death as the date they pronounced her dead. I did not realize it works that way. Had there been foul play it would have played out differently.
Lets see. Not much more to tell, other than my puppy dogs were glad to see me when I got home.
Ya Think?
