Tuesday, June 20, 2006
I Still Love You Eddie!!
I sure do miss my Eddie... Eddie was not just
anyone to me; He was my hero, my confident, my friend, and most importantly Eddie was my brother. I knew I was a survivor, but I never thought I would see the day I would would have to speak of the most wonderful man in my life in past tense and be classified as a Suicide Survivor.
Eddie was one of the most happy and upbeat people I had ever known. It floors me to this day that I would receive a phone call from his life partner Hal that he had killed himself. Even now to write killed himself puts a knot in my tummy. How could this guy with such a sense of humor do this? I asked myself this on so many occasions.
What I learned through this experience is that there is no support when losing a loved one to suicide. I was blessed in that I had one friend who took the whole brunt online of walking me through this. Bless her heart!! Since it is a death by choice those around us seem to get more caught up in the choice made to take ones own life, rather than the devistation to those who were affected by his death. In my studying this topic I have learned this is not that uncommon. Everyone disappeared or simply did not want to hear about it, so I was really on my own in my recovery over this. To this day I still try to make sense out of such a senseless act. My family could not be supportive or help me through this process as they were dealing with the same feelings I was. Eddie's life partner, Hal, is/was one of my closest friends. I adore him as much as I do Eddie, and after 33 years he is family. Hal did not answer his phone for the better part of a year. My other brother who found Eddie to this day does not answer his phone or return phone calls.
I just remember that numbness of trying to understand. I guess I went through the normal range of processing after all of this.. First I glorified him and tried to place him on a pedistool.. Then I found myself believing if only I had been there.. I could have stopped him.. Today I know this is not realistic, but at that time I thought I could have been the white knight that came in on the galluping stallion and made everything all better for him. After that I found I had a degree of anger, but it never really evolved in to a blown anger. Actually I think I was more hurt and angry at those in my life who were not there to help me through such a difficult time. Perhaps it was easier to be angry with them than it was to be angry with Eddie. Within three months I had other things that were imperative, such as my own health, which is a blog in itself.
I remember picking up the phone one day and calling the Suicide Survivor's Support Group. I was speaking to a woman there and she was talking about her son. finally it came out that her son had completed suicide 22 years ago. I knew right then I had to deal with this and move forward as I was not going to be living the rest of my life treating the loss of my brother as if it happened yesterday. On the flip side of that I was not pleased when someone told me I needed to move forward and get over it three weeks after my brother died. The support group in the area I lived met once a month. I opted out and worked through it. On the other hand Hal went to a support group where he lives that met once a week. It did him the world of good and his is finally smiling and laughing again.
I will say this!! I have experienced loss in my life, but there is no feeling that I have ever had that remotely compares to making sense out of a sibling suicide.
I just miss picking up the phone and saying Eddie I love you. I miss hearing his trashtalk and dirty jokes... His sense of humor, or his bitching about not winning at Bingo. I miss going to see he and Hal on visits. I have never returned to the home to as much as see Hal as I don't think I could handle it. I suppose when the time is right I will do just that.
The good news is time has past since September 12, 2002, the day after my birthday, and I have learned to appreciate life again, live again, smile again, and move forward with my life.
With that said... Eddie I miss you and love you!! I know God is taking care of you and you are no longer in pain...
anyone to me; He was my hero, my confident, my friend, and most importantly Eddie was my brother. I knew I was a survivor, but I never thought I would see the day I would would have to speak of the most wonderful man in my life in past tense and be classified as a Suicide Survivor.
Eddie was one of the most happy and upbeat people I had ever known. It floors me to this day that I would receive a phone call from his life partner Hal that he had killed himself. Even now to write killed himself puts a knot in my tummy. How could this guy with such a sense of humor do this? I asked myself this on so many occasions.
What I learned through this experience is that there is no support when losing a loved one to suicide. I was blessed in that I had one friend who took the whole brunt online of walking me through this. Bless her heart!! Since it is a death by choice those around us seem to get more caught up in the choice made to take ones own life, rather than the devistation to those who were affected by his death. In my studying this topic I have learned this is not that uncommon. Everyone disappeared or simply did not want to hear about it, so I was really on my own in my recovery over this. To this day I still try to make sense out of such a senseless act. My family could not be supportive or help me through this process as they were dealing with the same feelings I was. Eddie's life partner, Hal, is/was one of my closest friends. I adore him as much as I do Eddie, and after 33 years he is family. Hal did not answer his phone for the better part of a year. My other brother who found Eddie to this day does not answer his phone or return phone calls.
I just remember that numbness of trying to understand. I guess I went through the normal range of processing after all of this.. First I glorified him and tried to place him on a pedistool.. Then I found myself believing if only I had been there.. I could have stopped him.. Today I know this is not realistic, but at that time I thought I could have been the white knight that came in on the galluping stallion and made everything all better for him. After that I found I had a degree of anger, but it never really evolved in to a blown anger. Actually I think I was more hurt and angry at those in my life who were not there to help me through such a difficult time. Perhaps it was easier to be angry with them than it was to be angry with Eddie. Within three months I had other things that were imperative, such as my own health, which is a blog in itself.
I remember picking up the phone one day and calling the Suicide Survivor's Support Group. I was speaking to a woman there and she was talking about her son. finally it came out that her son had completed suicide 22 years ago. I knew right then I had to deal with this and move forward as I was not going to be living the rest of my life treating the loss of my brother as if it happened yesterday. On the flip side of that I was not pleased when someone told me I needed to move forward and get over it three weeks after my brother died. The support group in the area I lived met once a month. I opted out and worked through it. On the other hand Hal went to a support group where he lives that met once a week. It did him the world of good and his is finally smiling and laughing again.
I will say this!! I have experienced loss in my life, but there is no feeling that I have ever had that remotely compares to making sense out of a sibling suicide.
I just miss picking up the phone and saying Eddie I love you. I miss hearing his trashtalk and dirty jokes... His sense of humor, or his bitching about not winning at Bingo. I miss going to see he and Hal on visits. I have never returned to the home to as much as see Hal as I don't think I could handle it. I suppose when the time is right I will do just that.
The good news is time has past since September 12, 2002, the day after my birthday, and I have learned to appreciate life again, live again, smile again, and move forward with my life.
With that said... Eddie I miss you and love you!! I know God is taking care of you and you are no longer in pain...
1 comments:
Guess ya never get over losing a loved one. I never saw him before, thank you for posting the pic. A good tribute to him. We'll all meet on the other side of the veil.