Would Jesus Discriminate?
We run around with nifty little sayings such as "I am a Whosoever." We all are! Those who are poor, those who are rich, LGBT people, straight people, people with mental health diagnosis', people of color, eating disorders, the socially inept, people with physical challenges, and people who have made mistakes in their lives.. In short, we tend to play God with other peoples lives, forgetting God has the gift of healing and might even have a plan greater than our personal opinions and agendas; we have enough to do without doing God's job.
We go to church and we speak against gossip, judging others, and shunning others. Yet we are the first to do these things. We make fun of people who melt down instead of using the time spent praying for them and reaching out in support to help them grow spiritually and heal.
We call ourselves Christians and go to groups such as Would Jesus Discriminate, in rebuttal to Christians having discriminated against us. How different are we from mainstream Christianity? Who is the last person we have discriminated against without even realizing it? It becomes habitual and addictive. It is toxic and character assassination. Often confidentialities are broken and trust impaired in the process. If we cannot trust our church family and its leadership, who can we trust? Whatever each of our ministries is, we cheat God and our spiritual gifts become shortchanged when we are discriminatory, gossip, and harm others.
We can be a guiding light and we can set a better example! Perhaps all of us should collectively strive to do better. Perhaps we should learn more about our misconceptions and impressions of a topic instead of passing judgment and gossiping which results in character assassination and will leave a residual impact. Not only towards the individual in which it was directed, but the toxicity resulting from what rolls of our tongues. Perhaps we would all be better served sharing others strengths instead of their shortcomings. Perhaps personal confidences should be taken more seriously. What would Jesus do?
Pachelbel Canon In D
Today for the first day in some time my breathing is laboring. I felt so good breathing wise over the last few months. I guess the girls don't believe in air anymore than they believe in heat. Oh well!! Yesterday it was 91 Degrees outside.. Now they did tell me I was going to be grateful for the wind in this area during the summer months. I guess I just did not realize what that meant exactly. LOL I guess I am going to have to get on the stick and figure out what to do here!
Hence; I needed my Pachelbel Fix this morning.. Pachelbel has been a part of my life for many years. Somehow, no matter how bleak life seems or things seem, this wonderful piece of music always settles me down.
I think at least for the next couple of hours I am going to have to go back to bed!! The thought of going through this again this summer is just appauling. I had hoped the High Desert and getting away from the mold and high humidity was going to be the answer.
Hope all is well out there in Blogland...
The Sound of Music - Central Station Belgium
Occasionally I find something on YouTube That really rings my bells and does it for me. This is indeed one of those times.
Enjoy!!
Memories of the People In My Life..
There were those I dared to love and who dared to love me. They have never been forgotten. What has been forgotten were the reasons I found fault with them. With the passage of time I see only their goodness. I am so glad for this. There are so many memories of people I cherish so much.
Allowing people to love me, like me, and care about me without second guessing it has perhaps been the most difficult task of my recovery process of all. For after all, if they saw goodness in me, there must have been something wrong with them; an underlying belief I carried with me for so long. I hope to continue this section of my recovery and hope to be able to write about it someday with more ease and clarity. For now, I can appreciate these very people were indeed the greater things in my life. For the pain I bestowed on each of them for loving me and caring about me, I forgive myself. Hopefully, one day they can forgive me too.
Survivors Unite - A Must See Video!!!
There Is A Hole In My Sidewalk
Autobiography in Five Short Chapters by Portia Nelson
I.
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in
I am lost……
I am helpless
It isn’t my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.
II.
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don’t see it.
I fall in again.
I can’t believe I am in the same place.
but, it isn’t my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.
III.
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in….it’s a habit.
my eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.
IV.
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.
V.
I walk down another street.
Mile Markers
So much has changed over the last eight years in my life. So very much!! For so long I have been looking for something that is the same. I guess life simply does not stand still and perhaps that is not a bad thing.
I was a patient at Del Amo Hospital approximately ten years ago. They had become a familiar place for about two or three years. I was there as a trauma patient and I guess I did not give myself credit or them credit as to how far I have come. I have not been one to fritter my days away on my insurance, so I still have ample days left.
I went back in as a patient a week ago last Sunday. I felt like I needed to deal with the grieving and loss issues over recent years of my friends, my brother Eddie, and my health. After going back in I began to notice the patients. Their issues I no longer could relate to. The patients way of handling their issues I no longer could buy into. I stayed for a week and I no longer could drift away from the world the way I once did. Clearly I had not given myself credit for all the hard work on my part many years before. Clearly I was trying to use something that was familiar to me as a way of resolving grief that only time can heal. Simply put ...I was looking for something that had not changed.
At first I thought Del Amo had changed. But clearly it was the same core staff. Then I thought maybe its because none of the patients are the same. But clearly trauma is trauma and the drama/trauma cycle has not changed. So what did change? Clearly it is the way I handle trauma and drama today. My goals have changed and those haunting memories that once controlled my life no longer control my life today..
On the eighth day I went to the staff and told them I wanted to go home. I told them whatever I needed from them I had received years ago. I additionally told them I suspect they will not be seeing me again. I concluded it with My part in this story is over. (T.D. Jakes - Let It Go) The nurses, doctor, psychiatrist, and my therapist all concurred and made no attempt to change my mind. They asked if I would wait until Tuesday morning to leave. I said that was fine.
I walked out the door leaving the National Trauma Center, not fearing failure or the world, which was different than ten years ago. The truth is I have had much on my plate for the last ten years and I handled it. I did it myself and I am still here. The truth is I deserve to embrace the feeling of pride and growth.
...Even in the last year I should give myself credit. I have made progress on improving my health. ...I have not allowed myself to fall into a pity party over having to give up my home ...I have quit smoking and survived that.
Looking back, much has changed. While of course I grieve over the loss of friends and I grieve over the loss of Eddie, some of that change has been good; Some of the change has offered closure. For example, the opportunity to spend time with my father before and when he passed away offered closure; the man who was the core and root of my abuse history which resulted in a lifetime of trauma bonding behaviors.
So here I am. Not where I planned to be at 56 but I am ok. I have done my work and it is now time to get out of my shell and start enjoying the things I once enjoyed in the world. While I still have aspects of self, we tend to work in harmony. I don't expect anything to be perfect, but life certainly is not the chaos it once was and certainly does not warrant extreme measures such as going inpatient at the National Trauma Center located at Del Amo Hospital in Torrance, California.
I have come back to California and once again, things are not the same. AHHHH!! There is one exception.. The Redondo Special!! Only the price has gone up. I used to be a regular on this boat and I will be going next week. It used to be $20.00 for a half day when I was 39 and now at 56 it is $40.00. Still a bargain at that price.
In Honor of My Younger System!!
To Annie, Little Andi, Little Anne, and Cassie,
Thanks to all of you for keeping me safe at a time in my life I could not care for myself. I will do better at honoring all of me in the future. I love all of you very much... I love all of us!!
Spent Christmas in Concord
I spent most of my time with Hal and we had a great time. We watched a lot of Gay and Lesbian film.. No... Not Adult Rated!! .....And we just kicked back and enjoyed each other. He seems to be recovering from the loss of my brother, Eddie, who took his own life a few years ago. It is clear a part of Hal was stolen, but he is still the Hal I love and remember. I sure did miss him.
Concord has changed since I left many years ago. How it has grown!! There is even a Fry's Electronics store there and it was fun to go in and see what the latest and the greatest is these days.
OMG!!! I could just kick myself!!! My first house I bought is now worth $275 Thousand.. The Second house I bought is now worth $450 Thousand. And my last house just sold for $900 Thousand. Oh well... Live and learn. Sadly I owned them all at the same time and two were investment properties. Oh Well!!
Most of the friends I once knew are either in rest homes, deceased, or have moved out of the area. My friends in those days were always older.
Concord, however, is an area I will always appreciate and love. I felt at home while I was there. I even put an application in for the apartments Mom lived in. It will take at least two years for my name to come up on them. That will pass quicker than I think.
Meanwhile I am ok and glad to get home to where I live today. There is still evidence of snow in the mountains surrounding us, but all of our snow is gone. Yesterday the weather was absolutely beautiful. It appears today will be likewise.
Well I am glad I finally got brave enough to take the plunge to go back to Concord and see my family. It seemed odd not having Eddie in the house, but it actually turned out ok and that is a good thing.
You all have a Happy New Years and I will post my New Years Resolutions the First of the Year!!
YEAHHHHHH!!!!!!! I made it to Southern California!!
I have two friends in
internet. Debbie and Chris are positive thinkers and have been successful with their lives. I think the word poor just got booted out of my vocabulary. Their influence will help me get back on track with how you once knew me; A positive thinker who did not place limits on myself.
I am about an hour out from
in
excited that I soon will be fishing for trout, barracuda, and bonitos. I miss this type of fishing when I left
With outside help, the sale of my appliances and someone all but donating a small aluminum trailer (very cheap), I was able to get here. I had a blowout on the trailer because the tires were
not big enough to sustain the weight. Other than that it was smooth sailing. I left
about 7:00 P.M. . I stayed at a rest stop somewhere in
and slept in another rest area. I got up early enough to get through
Traffic. I drove across
I slept well in the spare room and since I moved here like “The Clampetts”, I went ahead and got the trailer emptied with the Help of Chris into a storage unit. Everything was open and exposed in the trailer.
I left with very little. What would fit in my van and what would fit in an open 4 x 8 foot aluminum trailer is what I took with me. What I could not sell, I gave away. It took close to two weeks of giving away before all was gone. If it was not clothes, computers, fishing tackle, tools, or concessions, it did not come with me. Even then I had a large van full and the trailer that was 5/4ths full. Miss Sassy came with me, of course.
As we emptied the house I was moving out of the mold had come back faster than I could get rid of it. It is black mold and the kind that the spores are not good for you. Here is the neat thing. About the time I passed Junction,
It is funny how things work out. When I went through
on.
Well this leg of my life journey has opened new doors and closed old ones. This is a good thing.
I will send you pictures of where I am living in a separate email. Tiz easier to forward the one that they are already on. I will miss the color green. You will see in the pictures.
Health is the reason I left the south. I will miss all the wonderful folks I grew to love in
and I will miss Pastor
I am already finding myself looking for my nitch in several aspects of my life. I am still winding down from the trip, but it is all good. The time difference always throws me for a loop.
Well I am going to start blogging again. I look forward to it.
To my cousin, friends, church friends, and my Bama friends, I will miss you. You have given me many memories to cherish over the years to come. I learned much from each of you and value each of you.
Disappointments and Realities...
I have lost 22 pounds since July and I don't have to unbutton my shirts to put them on. Then they just hang. My belts are too big and my pants fall off if I do not hold them up when I walk. But who has $$ for clothes.
I was going to ride the motorcycle the other day, but that was a waste because I lost a lot of strength and muscletone through all of this. I could not hold it up. I started back on the rubber bands to try and increase muscletone yesterday.
Sandy came out to help me shut down the flea market, which was very kind of her. We talked about my own denial about my health. My health is shot, and the truth is I feel as if I am biding my time. It is not dying I fear, but the fear of dying alone.
Without the additional income from the flea market I cannot keep my home. But the minute I walk out the door I have another episode. The latest being tonight where even my hair was soaked by the time it was over. I feel better now, but weak.
The waiting lists for adjusted housing with central air and heat are upwards of 3 years in this part of the country, but it costs a wee fortune to move cross country. One doc says you need to get out of here, but the pulminary doc says moving to Oregon will be trading apples for oranges... that the move will leave me vulnerable to upper respiritory infections. I don't really want to move but I do want to be close to family. Even then, my experience with family has been one of disappointments. I am afraid if I go the rug will get pulled out from under me again.
One thing is clear, I cannot stay out here for a variety of reasons. Gas... Isolation... Hungry... Angry... Lonely... and Tired. That pretty much covers the twelve steps and twelve traditions of what should not be. I want no more new adventures. I am simply too tired.
I am going to try to hang in here long enough for my house to sell and then see if there is someone in Pensacola I can room with while my name comes up on the waiting list.
I am going to start selling the bread again this week and will do that 2 X a month. That is a start. I do have a booth at the Mayors Fall Festival in Prichard in October, so that is a plus as well. Mostly I have to play this day by day and depending upon how I feel. I pushed myself all to hard the last few months, and now I am paying for it.
If I can find a way to keep the house, I may start spending summers in Corpus Christi at Sharons house. She has said bring her on!! I can do festivals there. I should not go in June, because Mexico burns its fields and all that smoke goes right into Corpus and as far up as San Antonio.
There will be no church for me to go back to in Corpus as far as GLBT friendly. I would not put myself through that again. BUT.. there is my fishing daily, which I miss!!
There are many decisions I wish I had made differently over the years. Things I wish I would have told those I love(d).. Things I wish I had not placed so much emphasis on.. So many things I wish I could have done differently and/or said differently. I guess that is all part of it at this point.
Mostly I wish it would just get over... I am tired mentally and physically. I guess part of getting out of denial is giving up the fight in many ways. Yet, for whatever reason, God is keeping me here. But damn I am suffering from the isolation and the shortness of breath. My muscletone I fought so hard to get back is now gone again. Even a mouse is hard for me to use at this point. I wish I could afford a trackball.. Instead I walk away from the computer and sleep.
The good thing is I am doing better than a month ago. Tonights episode was set off by coconut oil getting too hot and the fumes sent me into an episode.
There are some friends in Pensacola I am going to ask if I can live with them until a place comes open during the Winters and then to get out of their hair go to Corpus during the summer. Chances are they will say no, but it would be the bomb!! They live on the ocean with a pier. :-)
Well I realized I have over 1000 emails to sort through. Time has not been with me through this as I pretty much disconnected to cope.
Anyone who got this far.. Thanks for listening...
Pretty Amazing Grace - Neil Diamond
I have always had a love for Neil Diamond's music. This one holds a whole lot of meaning to me and is now my new fav of his!! Thanks Neil!!
Is The United States Still The Leading Nation?
Supreme Cout Bans Death Penalty In 5 States, Supporting Child Rapists
I am absolutely stunned! I am an adult who was raped repeatedly as a child. The consequences were my childhood was murdered, my ability to have a healthy relationship was murdered, and the bulk of my adult life was robbed until I finally received help around the age of 40. Even then it took several years to receive adequate help to have an semblance of a quality of life.
Is there a way to appeal the supreme court decision on this? If there is, I would like to hear from an attorney who is willing to take this on and adult survivors who are willing to step forward and challenge this. Perhaps we can take a negative and turn it into a positive and do some self empowerment here.
I am the founder of the California Assembly Bill which overturned the statutes of limitations of child predators in California. While some ground was lost, it is law today.
I promised my family I would stay out of the public eye and promised myself I would not get involved in this cause again. But this is where it stops. We are losing too much ground and our children of today and tomorrow deserve better.
America, it is time we stand up for our children and against child rapists. Too many fought too hard to lose ground to a desensitized society.
Chicago Tribune Article
And for the record Barack Obama, you just lost my vote. As quoted in the Chicago Tribune you stated:
"I think that the rape of a small child, 6 or 8 years old, is a heinous crime, and if a state makes a decision that under narrow, limited, well-defined circumstances, the death penalty is at least potentially applicable, that does not violate our Constitution."
You mean to tell me 1 years of age to 5 years of age child rape is not a heinous crime? ...And from 9 years of age and up child rape is not a heinous crime? UNBELIEVABLE! I would expect something with more depth and substance from the man I was going to vote for as president of the United States. Can you not take a solid stand on one thing without trying to make sure you do not rock the boat?
"No I Will Not Be Silent, For In My Silence There Is No Change"
Be Back Sometime Tonight!!
Self Empowerment - Casting out the negative and embracing the positive!
I believe it was Rita Mae Brown who once said "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results." While I have heard this over the years, I don't believe it really struck home as to how true and profound this statement is. It is in recent times I have learned this to be true. For example, for years I defined myself as not worthy if I were not in a relationship. I continued to settle out in order to be in a relationship and would give up what I was doing for others. Of course, it would result in another failed relationship and I would be back to square one starting my adult life over. Some time later, usually when I was finally getting something going for myself that was positive, I would attract someone else and would do the same thing again. Well the thing is, when I have something going for myself, and I am positive and happy, I am going to attract others. When I am living life in a victim role, others are going to scatter if they are in fact healthy.
I finally broke out of the relationship addiction mold late last summer. For the first time I did not give up myself or what I was doing for others. While I stayed in it long enough to rain on my financial parade for a few months, I have actually begun to see daylight from this too. I voted with my feet and told them they could not live here. But I still have my home, I still have my sanity, and I did not forfeit my plans of laying a foundation for security for myself.
Recently, someone who I was actually interested in years ago and was not interested in me at that time began to show an interest... I found myself leery and remembered they had lived their life in chaos and in victim mode when I once knew them. One of my friends felt I should embrace them into my life and consider having a relationship with them. I expressed my concerns to my friend and told them I would try to keep an open mind and give them room for having achieved possible growth over the years. Well this person began to call me more and as time went by the calls began to deteriorate and seemed to be centered around how the world has done them wrong, how their family has done them wrong, and still in the place of not making the necessary adjustments to move past all this. In reality they were on the same page they were many years ago.
I finally found myself speaking up asking them if they had sought out counseling and told them the only thing they could change in the equation was themselves. I found myself uncomfortable as time had progressed because I realized this was me not all that long ago. I had been living my life in a victim role for a very long time and it took grabbing myself by the heels and making one foot step in front of the other to discontinue living life this way.
I do know one thing for certain; I am happy living my life alone and I do not define my self worth today by being with another person. I have few friends, but the friends I do have live life in a positive way and are self empowered. I no longer measure my self worth by how many friends I have, but rather the quality of the few friends I have. I don't have much in monetary things, but the things I do have are truly me and not to impress others...
I don't spend my life working with survivors anymore, for in reality they were content living their lives in victim roles. I was simply the sounding board, while in reality we were fueling one another. Actually, I have come to the realization the term survivor is really rhetoric and is politically correct jargon. While one may survive trauma or inadequate care as a child, thriving comes with the willingness to let go, the willingness to forgive, the willingness to create a meaningful life for ourselves. Hence; Self Empowerment must come into play for us to have productive lives. That cannot come with pointing our fingers at everyone else for the failures in our own lives. We must address our own role in everything we do if we are going to reap the benefits of continued growth. While my life is not perfect and I have a long ways to go to overcome bad habits and ways of living my life, my life is nothing like it was when I was living it in this way..
I have come to learn that self empowerment is not about pleasing others or getting the needy puppy dog pat on the head for how well I am doing. If I am truly self empowered, and I believe I have finally gotten there, the rewards will show in every aspect of my life and a pat on the head will not be important. Those I used to seek the pat on the head from were indeed self empowered and they were not seeking pats on the head from others.
I am doing well now, and I know I will attract others who like what they see and want what I have. However their happiness and self empowerment has to come from inside them and if they are trying to achieve what I have through being with me, it cannot work. This falls true in reverse as well... I cannot find my happiness and wellness through another. It must come from within or is doomed for failure.
So I guess I will pass on my crush from many years ago.. I have to remind myself not to try to counsel them, as their growth can only come from hard work and choices to move their life forward. I can love them and care about them on a more sparing level and in a Christian way. I have suggested to them they may wish to seek out counseling.
So here's to continued growth, continued changes, and positive thinking. Here is to forgiving others, forgiving myself, making better decision, and continuing my path to Self Empowerment.
Count Your Blessings
I have been sitting here this morning trying to decide what to blog about. I miss blogging and need to get back into it. I guess it is the new journal of the 2000's. A type of journal we can share with others, or possibly to keep to ourselves online.. Or giving us the ability to share our experiences with others so those with like minds can share their experiences in return. Perhaps taking a microscopic amount of our experiences to help others in their lives and perhaps embracing their experiences, thoughts, or ideas to help each of us in our own lives. While there are those who I would prefer would stay off my blog, the tradeoff of making it private and feeling like I am in Fort Knox is not an option for me. I lived too much of my life that way and it kept me from meeting new people and experiencing new things, which is no different than on an internet level communications.
At any rate I was thinking this morning about the day I turned in my aluminum cans to pay for the first tank of gas that would take me deeper into the south and away from Corpus Christi, a community I once loved and cherished... A community I thought I would never leave. I had no clue what was ahead of me and the changes it would make in my life. I was afraid of the unknown and the uncertainties of what I was about to do. What would this all mean really? The answers I did not know. I know what I thought I would be doing, but knew that I was giving up some perceived securities once I handed in the keys to my government subsidized apartment and cranked the engine to my van.
My arms still were not working well and my pain level was still high. Two of my young straight friends had packed me as I still could not do that. Even driving any long distances was painful, but leave Corpus Christi I did.
My reasons for leaving and much of the journey I am not going to write about here, as I have finally decided it is time for me to do my memoir. I have set the goal for the release of this collection of experiences in book form to be released in late 2009.
But I can tell you this... This last 2 years has been the most amazing two years with so many blessings and experiences that has placed my life in a much more positive place. Some of the two years has been stormy with many highs and lows. However, each plateau I reached brought me into a better place with so many gifts, friends, security, and a healthier sense of self complimented by a lot of happiness and joy.
There are days that are not much fun due to health stuff and the current economy. But I have friends, people who love me, a home, and hope. Today I can do more for myself and am out of the system that I got caught into the cycle of from 2001 to about 2 years ago.
The neat thing is when I go outside and find a puddle of water, I fuss because my pipes broke in the yard there is a plus to that. The key word here is MY pipes broke in MY home. Now that is much better than having to call a landlord praying they will fix the pipes. And whats more, my neighbors got out there and helped me fix them... What a gift is that?
This morning I came home from dropping off left-over theatre popcorn as I do every week at my neighbors house. We sat and we laughed, teased one another, and talked about the world affairs a bit. I have known them over a year now and there has never been a harsh word or any chaos. How wonderful is that? How blessed I have been.
I don't think about Corpus Christi much anymore, other than to visit my friends Jim and Sharon on the phone occasionally. For some time when I moved here, I was still trying to identify my home with where there was an MCC. I am finding the importance of this dwindling as well. My home is here in these woods and my friends and extended family are all here. I am very happy for the most part. Heck, I don't even think about trying to have a relationship with my half brothers and sisters to speak of anymore. Whatever it was I was yearning for, I have found it here in Alabama.
When I say my prayers, I thank God for all God has given me and I thank those who helped me get here.
I guess I had best get busy and finish cleaning MY house today... What once took me two hours to do takes me 8 or 9 hours. hehe I guess we can't have everything, but I am truly grateful for all God has given me.
For The Times They Are A Changing!!
Online Dating - The Biggest Lies
Well I am sure we have all heard it... Both on and offline for that matter... That is ummmm.. The lies we are told when we are first considering to meet someone we have seen their profile online.I am not certain if people realize how many deceptive things there are in a single ad, much less the garbage they feed us when we meet them in real life. But it is there...
The other thing I have come to realize after living in this area for two years, it is the same few people who are posted out of how many online users? Now there may be more that are hiding their profiles, but sadly it is the same few.
Well now, back to those lies. I know some of the people in real life that have profiles posted on various dating sites... This is just in the profile mind you and before you begin to talk to them...
A few extra pounds.
AGE
Just want to hang out
Enjoy the out of doors
Easy Going
Education Level
Income
Old Photo's
Other peoples photo's
I don't smoke or drink
Without question there are more...
Now lets get to after you start emailing them.. The following are the biggest lies...
I am so over her
We live together, but we have not been a couple for two years
I am easy going
I am stable
I am not a violent person
I don't lie
I used to drink but have been clean and sober for a year.
I have been tested for HIV
I just got out of an abusive relationship and am not an abuser
Plus the usual of liking everything we like until they gotcha!! Ö¿Ö
The list goes on to be sure... What lies have you been told? While I am lesbian, I am sure my straight friends and readers have been told a few whoppers as well.. Do Tell!!
