Welcome To A Road Less Traveled

A friend called me last night upset because she and her girlfriend were breaking up... After listening for a while I said... Do you remember when you told me this was a magical relationship? she paused for a minute and said yep... I remember something about it... I could not help myself... I just had to say it... Well you know if you stop and think about it... It really was magic... She even disappeared... We both started laughing... At least I got a laugh out of her... After a while we talked about the fact that no relationship is magical... They take a lot of work, open communication, and compromise... No matter how life has progressed, I have always found myself not really knowing quite what people need from me when they call in that kind of pain... Do they just need me to listen quietly? Or do they need input? Perhaps a bit of my dry humor? I just never know quite what to say or do... I tend to always want to fix it for them even though I know that is not a realistic thing to do...

Welp... Better get some things done around here before the heat of the day sets in...

Well, I have been here a tad less than a month, but it has taken a while to get rested from my move. I actually started unpacking things today in a more serious fashion. Hello Pensacola!! And GOODBYE Corpus Christi. I won't miss it there!! The only thing I will miss about Corpus Christi is the fishing is great. Eventually there will be no open places to fish as I once knew them... Corporate America would much prefer these water lines were available only to the very rich and for corporations such as Landry's. I perceive Corpus as becoming a yuppie filled small city that is trying to imitate Austin!!

When I arrived in Corpus I knew that I was going to have difficulty finding people that were challenging to me, but at that time there was a whole lot of Ocean for a minimum investment. College was a good experience there, and I will always be glad I went. Even then, other than the professors I had difficulty finding people to engage with that had the ability of doing much in the way of critical thinking.

I have been able to go fishing once here in Pensacola and it is absolutely beautiful on the waterline. I did not catch anything, so I am going to have to start paying attention to the way these fisherman set up down here for this type of fish. I also guess I need to find out if/where the shrimp boats are so I can use fresh or live shrimp. In Corpus if live shrimp was available the bait shops had a white flag up. Anyone out there know if there are shrimp boats open to the public here? How about fishing on a barge? .. Any available. Last but not least.. Who wants to go fishing Ö¿Ö

Well I think I am going to go to bed early tonight. I got a lot done, but I think I have plain tuckered myself out.

I am sitting here half in tears for this girl and half in anger at a society that does nothing to protect those who are different. This film is being shown on Lifetime Television and will be shown again Friday, June 30th at 9 pm. This is one of the most tasteful and accurate depictions of what transgenderal people go through I have seen.

For years I did not embrace transgenderal people because they were different than I. Imagine that... A lesbian not embracing someone who is different. In retrospect I believe it was because I simply wanted to fit in the best way I could.. Even if that expense was at the loneliness and hurt of others. Then, about 2 or 3 years ago I met the most wonderful transgenderal person at church and it changed all of that. I adored both her and her partner. They since have had a Holy Union and it is recognized in the courts by default. I am glad I took the time to embrace them and get to know them. They are two I will always have fond memories of; Even though I have moved away.

Then we move onto the hate crime aspect of all of this... I look at how easily this could have been my friend who lives in the south. At times I believe the south is actually more tolerant than California... Even in the Midwest in Wyoming the courts convicted Matt Shepard's assailants of a hate crime. Why in California in 2005 did these young men not get convicted of a hate crime? It makes no sense!!

I look back over the years at the fear we have had to live under. I admire those that were brave enough to truly come out of the closet. For myself, until recently, I truly cheesed out. No More!! There is so much to do to gain the rights for gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgenderal people... So much to do that I find it overwhelming on where to start. However I would suggest to anyone who wishes to start to make this difference is To Thine Own Self Be True. If enough of us have the courage to do this, it is bound to have a dominoe effect on society. Blacks, Hispanic, and other minorities did not generate by change in silence. I once coined the term No I Will Not Be Silent - For In My Silence There Is No Change! Although that was written during my advocacy as a survivor, it certainly fits the bill here. Regardless if it is the government, organized religion, the workplace, or the citizens in a community, making examples out of people is the most effective way of silencing the rest that I know of. To get the courage generated in numbers we need during the political climate regarding G/L/B/T people today is going to be more difficult, but I believe this is what must be done to incorporate change, tolerance, and eventual acceptance.

I can so relate to Gwen, in spite of not have Genderal Identity to deal with. I remember all the years of watching people be terminated from work, set up at work, and belittled at work... It brings me to a time where I was working at a small company in Pasadena on contract. A mother and daughter team started making comments to get me to bite, which I bit my tongue for weeks. Finally one day they stated that Aids was God's punishment to the Gay community. I stood up and said.... Well... If xyz percent of Straight men have aids... And xyz percent of straight women have aids... And xzy percent of bisexual women have aids... And xyz percent of bisexual men have aids... And xyz percent of gay men have aids... And lesbians only have xyz percent... Does this make lesbians God's Chosen People? Within a half hour I was terminated. It was ok for them to carry on for weeks in the background to make me feel bad... Oh well!!!

I also remember Eedie who was a hair dresser in Oakland. I cannot remember the name of the nightclub she was at, but we all called it menapause manor in those days as it contained lesbian's that were much older than we were. Who would have thought we would be in those age brackets someday. Eedie used to go to Happy Hour each day on her way home from work. One night the bar was targeted because it was a lesbian bar and only women. In the process Eeedie was shot and killed. If I remember correctly very little was done to the man that did this. More was made out of all the women who chased him down the street and caught him than what he had done to Eedie.

There was also Jim, who lost his partner. I had known Jim for many years. They were leaving a nightclub in San Francisco and Jim's partner was stabbed and killed as they left. By people who go out of their way to kill a faggot and win a medal, as we used to say in those days. I heard later that Jim just held his friend in his arms and sobbed watching the life slip right out of him. In those days the options of where to go were limited and if we were to meet people we had to put up with nightclubs that were in areas which left us less than safe and secure.

It is hard to look back over the years and see how many gays, lesbians, bisexuals, and transgenderals have had to suffer the consequences of the rath of society, much less the alienation of the families of origin. What makes this even more painful is to watch movies like the one I posted on here, only to find out that the very 12 jurors we trusted to right a wrong minimized the crime and blamed it on society instead of the thugs that murdered Gwen.

I have personally known victims of hate crimes in our community, but know even more who have been ostracized. It is disheartening at best.

So much to say on this topic I may have to come back to it later...

Well Ya Gotta Love AOL Don't Ya? They got their claws into us when this all went flat rate and so much is done online these days that they have their claws into us now! I spent all day yesterday attempting to get AOL and Mcafee off my computer. At one point I lost my mouse and my keyboard. What a nightmare!! If I can get all this uninstalled I am going to read my mail from the web and no more software from them!

I called and told them I quit, but by the end of the conversation I knew it was not realistic as I have too darned many accounts/friends/websites tied into aol email addresses. So they gave me a rate of $4.95 per month with no additional charges.. We will try that, but I am still only going to read it from the web.

I have learned a valuable experience dealing with AOL the last two days. Use the Live Online Support if you have a second computer. It does not speak, so it is clear and precise. It may be a tad slow but it works much better than not understanding who is on the other end of the line.

Well now that I am back in I best start backing up files!! I am considering putting in a new hard drive and making it my primary.. That way I won't lose anything and can make this drive a secondary drive. I won't run nearly as slowly either.

I used to love aol.. Now all I love about them are my email addresses. The email addresses and I have a love hate relationship... I cannot live with them and I cannot live without them. Ö¿Ö

I cannot belive I found this!! I had never heard it before but just love it. While I would prefer it were more inclusive, it is what it is and I have appreciated it for many years.. I went ahead and put it in webpage form while I find the music I want for this section of my website. I love the song and hope anyone who passes through here appreciates it as much as I do. Click here...

The last two days have been good. I have achieved much and just got back from Ocean Springs to boot. Hmmmm long distance relationships.. I can think only one more thing more challenging than a long distance relationship... That is a long distance relationship where traveling during the summer in the south is done without the luxury of air conditioning.

I only stayed a short time this time as I left my bird and sugar gliders at home.. I did not want to risk more than one night..

Well off to bed...

I sure do miss my Eddie... Eddie was not just
anyone to me; He was my hero, my confident, my friend, and most importantly Eddie was my brother. I knew I was a survivor, but I never thought I would see the day I would would have to speak of the most wonderful man in my life in past tense and be classified as a Suicide Survivor.

Eddie was one of the most happy and upbeat people I had ever known. It floors me to this day that I would receive a phone call from his life partner Hal that he had killed himself. Even now to write killed himself puts a knot in my tummy. How could this guy with such a sense of humor do this? I asked myself this on so many occasions.

What I learned through this experience is that there is no support when losing a loved one to suicide. I was blessed in that I had one friend who took the whole brunt online of walking me through this. Bless her heart!! Since it is a death by choice those around us seem to get more caught up in the choice made to take ones own life, rather than the devistation to those who were affected by his death. In my studying this topic I have learned this is not that uncommon. Everyone disappeared or simply did not want to hear about it, so I was really on my own in my recovery over this. To this day I still try to make sense out of such a senseless act. My family could not be supportive or help me through this process as they were dealing with the same feelings I was. Eddie's life partner, Hal, is/was one of my closest friends. I adore him as much as I do Eddie, and after 33 years he is family. Hal did not answer his phone for the better part of a year. My other brother who found Eddie to this day does not answer his phone or return phone calls.

I just remember that numbness of trying to understand. I guess I went through the normal range of processing after all of this.. First I glorified him and tried to place him on a pedistool.. Then I found myself believing if only I had been there.. I could have stopped him.. Today I know this is not realistic, but at that time I thought I could have been the white knight that came in on the galluping stallion and made everything all better for him. After that I found I had a degree of anger, but it never really evolved in to a blown anger. Actually I think I was more hurt and angry at those in my life who were not there to help me through such a difficult time. Perhaps it was easier to be angry with them than it was to be angry with Eddie. Within three months I had other things that were imperative, such as my own health, which is a blog in itself.

I remember picking up the phone one day and calling the Suicide Survivor's Support Group. I was speaking to a woman there and she was talking about her son. finally it came out that her son had completed suicide 22 years ago. I knew right then I had to deal with this and move forward as I was not going to be living the rest of my life treating the loss of my brother as if it happened yesterday. On the flip side of that I was not pleased when someone told me I needed to move forward and get over it three weeks after my brother died. The support group in the area I lived met once a month. I opted out and worked through it. On the other hand Hal went to a support group where he lives that met once a week. It did him the world of good and his is finally smiling and laughing again.

I will say this!! I have experienced loss in my life, but there is no feeling that I have ever had that remotely compares to making sense out of a sibling suicide.

I just miss picking up the phone and saying Eddie I love you. I miss hearing his trashtalk and dirty jokes... His sense of humor, or his bitching about not winning at Bingo. I miss going to see he and Hal on visits. I have never returned to the home to as much as see Hal as I don't think I could handle it. I suppose when the time is right I will do just that.

The good news is time has past since September 12, 2002, the day after my birthday, and I have learned to appreciate life again, live again, smile again, and move forward with my life.

With that said... Eddie I miss you and love you!! I know God is taking care of you and you are no longer in pain...

Well I got a lot accomplished here today!! Learning to live in a smaller living space certainly is humbling and much like doing a jigsaw puzzle on a table that does not have room to make extra sorting piles. It is getting there and that is what counts. I feel I accomplished a lot.

I did more work on my website today!! It is coming along.. Slowly but surely. I set up the guestbook, made that navigation bar that needs something but I am not sure what, and provided an email address for people to email me...

Between both I am quite tired. It is funny... I remember when I could have banged out an entire website with many pages in a couple of days, and organize a large house I had moved into in a couple of days. Well I guess we just have to go with the flow!!

Well here I am getting ready to do my first post!! Yesterday was the rebuilding of my website. What a scary move it was. As I clicked the delete button on my ftp software I watched 581 files delete one by one. As I watched each song, picture, and page leave I could not help but get this eerie feeling of watching something I have known and been so comfortable with for so long to dissipate into cyberspace.

After I allowed my feelings to absorb from the disappearance of so many files I began the task of setting up the new layout and design. Today I will work on the navigation bar and add guestbooks, this blog, and links to various pages and an email address so I can be written.

The hardest part was to decide what to say... At first I was not going to ever bring up that I am a survivor of any type of trauma again as I just wanted to move forward and live my life. Then I realized leaving that part of who I am is as destructive as hiding the rest of who I am... Who am I really? I am a woman who cares about other people and enjoys doing community outreach... A woman who loves critters and animals... I am an artist... A computer junkie... A fisherwoman... Last but way not least I am a Christian who happens to be a Lesbian... Hmmmm I left out that S Word again... Well perhaps it is because I am a survivor of many things... I have survived cancer twice... I have survived the completed suicide of a brother I adore... Last but not least I have survived childhood abuse. As an American I have survived a terrorist attack... None of these events are who I am, however all of these events certainly set the tone for how I view life today...

Well I guess I had best get back with the program and go work on my navigation bar and add more pages to my website... I am going to try a little trick I have used on other sites and see if I can make this readable from a page on the site...