Welcome To A Road Less Traveled

Well here it is, 5 1/2 years since my brother Eddie committed suicide. I have long since wanted to go back to California, but did not have the courage to walk back into Eddie's and Hal's home. I was not ready.

I have missed the Bay Area for a long time. I am under no illusion it will be the same as when I left many years ago. But ya know, it has its plus'. Many of them. My sexual orientation would be served well by going back, although I am very leary of lesbians in general at this point. I think many of them are pretty messed up. I am not thinking relationships in my future as part of this decision. Mostly I am thinking it would be nice to get involved with Bay Area Women for Understanding again... Berkley has groups called SOL. No, that is not Shit out of Luck.. It is Slightly Older Lesbians. My fishing is there.. I am sure most I once knew are either dead or have moved away. And lets face it... At 55 I am not going to be going to the disco techs everynight. OH!! Thats right!! Disco is out now. haha

My breathing would be much better out there as well. My doctors have told me I have to get away from the black mold and the high humidity. I guess I am kinda like Moe.. I just wanna go home. The experiences I have had in Alabama probably play a part in this, but the fact is I am finally coming to terms with Eddie's Death and am ready to face it now. I am also ready to face the fact my own health is not at its best and I need family around. Hal is my family.

I can help Hal more easily if I am in the same community. I miss Hal. Even since Eddie died, he has been able to get his wonderful sense of humor back. It took a long time, but it is back. He is one of the most down to earth and funny guys I have known. I remember him telling me once that I did not have to take all my things with me on vacation. HAHA! You know I did not get it? I always came back to Contra Costa County when my adventures came to a close.

Making money in California always came easy for me. When I was 26 my mortgage was $1800.00 and was a no brainer to meet. Here in the south, if it were not for no money, people would not have any money at all. I want stability. When my car funks, I want to be able to fix it. Let me rephrase!!! I want a car that is not going to funk. I cannot make the kind of money I need here to be certain that will happen.

I understood how Californians functioned and worked. The variety is broader and one does not have to worry about a social circle. No.. Being a lesbian or a gay person is not a criteria for my social circle. I tended to have more than one subgroup when I was out there anyway.

Mostly, I miss Hal and familiarity. I don't think this southern thing is for me. I like the burbs and to be able to visit a big city when I want. So being close to a big city is a plus. Additionally it is nice to be close to gambling. REAL Gambling.. It is nice to be close to San Francisco.. And it is nice to be close to Santa Cruz. I can enjoy the Nevada mountains as well as the ocean.

As far as my health, there is better health care. As far as my income I am the only one who can limit it. The housing is much more expensive, but I have gone to work on Hal to see if I can rent from him. He has a huge home. The downside to that is I would have to put up with the negativity of my half brother Billie. Mr. Pias himself.

The bad thing is there is no MCC in Contra Costa County anymore. I will miss that. I was one of the founding members of Diablo Valley MCC, which has long since discipated. The founding pastor, Rev Bob Cunningham passed away a few years ago.

This will not be an overnight thing to plan or put together. I need to finish my house so I can sell it and put the profits in savings. Hopefully by fall I can pull it off. I will have my stuff I decide to keep shipped and sell all my vehicles etc and fly out there... Then replace when I get out there because I am better off buying something that is smog compliant. Californias smog laws are pretty tight.

I met some good folks down here, but I also met some folks that were not so kind. One thing I learned is not to jump into a relationship right away as it is a sure setup to get hurt emotionally. I had a double lesson on making sure who I am seeing is not on the rebound. It is the foundation for a disaster. I think being a bit older kind of created the foundation that I did not have forever to work with. Frankly, I am not so sure I want to do that again. Temper Tantrums and secret keepers are something I don't want to deal with again. Nor do I want to deal with verbal assaults.

I know nothing will be the same when I go back. People move on with their lives. This includes Hal.. I know I won't be backpacking into the High Sierra's as I once did. Nor will I be working in Aerospace or biomedical research. Aerospace as I once knew it long since has died. But I do know that being around something I understand has it's benefits.

Don't get me wrong! I have met some awesome people up here in these woods and I know I am loved. I could not have picked a better place without family to live. I will miss my local church if I do this. My mind is not made up for certain, but it is definately a consideration. If Hal says yes and I can sell my home I am definately going.

Well I am tuckered as I had to work today. Think I will catch a flick and go to bed.