Welcome To A Road Less Traveled

So much has changed over the last eight years in my life. So very much!! For so long I have been looking for something that is the same. I guess life simply does not stand still and perhaps that is not a bad thing.

I was a patient at Del Amo Hospital approximately ten years ago. They had become a familiar place for about two or three years. I was there as a trauma patient and I guess I did not give myself credit or them credit as to how far I have come. I have not been one to fritter my days away on my insurance, so I still have ample days left.

I went back in as a patient a week ago last Sunday. I felt like I needed to deal with the grieving and loss issues over recent years of my friends, my brother Eddie, and my health. After going back in I began to notice the patients. Their issues I no longer could relate to. The patients way of handling their issues I no longer could buy into. I stayed for a week and I no longer could drift away from the world the way I once did. Clearly I had not given myself credit for all the hard work on my part many years before. Clearly I was trying to use something that was familiar to me as a way of resolving grief that only time can heal. Simply put ...I was looking for something that had not changed.

At first I thought Del Amo had changed. But clearly it was the same core staff. Then I thought maybe its because none of the patients are the same. But clearly trauma is trauma and the drama/trauma cycle has not changed. So what did change? Clearly it is the way I handle trauma and drama today. My goals have changed and those haunting memories that once controlled my life no longer control my life today..

On the eighth day I went to the staff and told them I wanted to go home. I told them whatever I needed from them I had received years ago. I additionally told them I suspect they will not be seeing me again. I concluded it with My part in this story is over. (T.D. Jakes - Let It Go) The nurses, doctor, psychiatrist, and my therapist all concurred and made no attempt to change my mind. They asked if I would wait until Tuesday morning to leave. I said that was fine.

I walked out the door leaving the National Trauma Center, not fearing failure or the world, which was different than ten years ago. The truth is I have had much on my plate for the last ten years and I handled it. I did it myself and I am still here. The truth is I deserve to embrace the feeling of pride and growth.

...Even in the last year I should give myself credit. I have made progress on improving my health. ...I have not allowed myself to fall into a pity party over having to give up my home ...I have quit smoking and survived that.

Looking back, much has changed. While of course I grieve over the loss of friends and I grieve over the loss of Eddie, some of that change has been good; Some of the change has offered closure. For example, the opportunity to spend time with my father before and when he passed away offered closure; the man who was the core and root of my abuse history which resulted in a lifetime of trauma bonding behaviors.

So here I am. Not where I planned to be at 56 but I am ok. I have done my work and it is now time to get out of my shell and start enjoying the things I once enjoyed in the world. While I still have aspects of self, we tend to work in harmony. I don't expect anything to be perfect, but life certainly is not the chaos it once was and certainly does not warrant extreme measures such as going inpatient at the National Trauma Center located at Del Amo Hospital in Torrance, California.

I have come back to California and once again, things are not the same. AHHHH!! There is one exception.. The Redondo Special!! Only the price has gone up. I used to be a regular on this boat and I will be going next week. It used to be $20.00 for a half day when I was 39 and now at 56 it is $40.00. Still a bargain at that price.