Welcome To A Road Less Traveled

Today for the first day in some time my breathing is laboring. I felt so good breathing wise over the last few months. I guess the girls don't believe in air anymore than they believe in heat. Oh well!! Yesterday it was 91 Degrees outside.. Now they did tell me I was going to be grateful for the wind in this area during the summer months. I guess I just did not realize what that meant exactly. LOL I guess I am going to have to get on the stick and figure out what to do here!

Hence; I needed my Pachelbel Fix this morning.. Pachelbel has been a part of my life for many years. Somehow, no matter how bleak life seems or things seem, this wonderful piece of music always settles me down.

I think at least for the next couple of hours I am going to have to go back to bed!! The thought of going through this again this summer is just appauling. I had hoped the High Desert and getting away from the mold and high humidity was going to be the answer.

Hope all is well out there in Blogland...

Occasionally I find something on YouTube That really rings my bells and does it for me. This is indeed one of those times.

Enjoy!!

Tonight I would like to write about the greater things in life… That would be the memories and treasures of the people I have met over the years. It was easy over the years to discount these very same people who have in one way or another touched my life. It is not of any single greatness I love these people and appreciate these people but with collective greatness as to the joy they have brought into my life; something as simple as a little smile, or perhaps an awkward moment that may have touched my heart. Or perhaps those who planned a surprise or even a prank I was not expecting. In other cases there have been those who have been in my life or crossed my path who neither of us had to say a thing, as we were attuned to each other in such a way we knew what one another was thinking. Ironically it is years later I have been gifted with the joy of the memories provided by these very people in my past.

There were those I dared to love and who dared to love me. They have never been forgotten. What has been forgotten were the reasons I found fault with them. With the passage of time I see only their goodness. I am so glad for this. There are so many memories of people I cherish so much.

Allowing people to love me, like me, and care about me without second guessing it has perhaps been the most difficult task of my recovery process of all. For after all, if they saw goodness in me, there must have been something wrong with them; an underlying belief I carried with me for so long. I hope to continue this section of my recovery and hope to be able to write about it someday with more ease and clarity. For now, I can appreciate these very people were indeed the greater things in my life. For the pain I bestowed on each of them for loving me and caring about me, I forgive myself. Hopefully, one day they can forgive me too.

You know Sandy always says God puts the right people at the right time exactly when you need them in your lives. Sometimes this can be on a virtual level as well I do believe. If you are a survivor of life or know a survivor of life in whatever way it means to you, I am sure you will appreciate this video.

So much has changed over the last eight years in my life. So very much!! For so long I have been looking for something that is the same. I guess life simply does not stand still and perhaps that is not a bad thing.

I was a patient at Del Amo Hospital approximately ten years ago. They had become a familiar place for about two or three years. I was there as a trauma patient and I guess I did not give myself credit or them credit as to how far I have come. I have not been one to fritter my days away on my insurance, so I still have ample days left.

I went back in as a patient a week ago last Sunday. I felt like I needed to deal with the grieving and loss issues over recent years of my friends, my brother Eddie, and my health. After going back in I began to notice the patients. Their issues I no longer could relate to. The patients way of handling their issues I no longer could buy into. I stayed for a week and I no longer could drift away from the world the way I once did. Clearly I had not given myself credit for all the hard work on my part many years before. Clearly I was trying to use something that was familiar to me as a way of resolving grief that only time can heal. Simply put ...I was looking for something that had not changed.

At first I thought Del Amo had changed. But clearly it was the same core staff. Then I thought maybe its because none of the patients are the same. But clearly trauma is trauma and the drama/trauma cycle has not changed. So what did change? Clearly it is the way I handle trauma and drama today. My goals have changed and those haunting memories that once controlled my life no longer control my life today..

On the eighth day I went to the staff and told them I wanted to go home. I told them whatever I needed from them I had received years ago. I additionally told them I suspect they will not be seeing me again. I concluded it with My part in this story is over. (T.D. Jakes - Let It Go) The nurses, doctor, psychiatrist, and my therapist all concurred and made no attempt to change my mind. They asked if I would wait until Tuesday morning to leave. I said that was fine.

I walked out the door leaving the National Trauma Center, not fearing failure or the world, which was different than ten years ago. The truth is I have had much on my plate for the last ten years and I handled it. I did it myself and I am still here. The truth is I deserve to embrace the feeling of pride and growth.

...Even in the last year I should give myself credit. I have made progress on improving my health. ...I have not allowed myself to fall into a pity party over having to give up my home ...I have quit smoking and survived that.

Looking back, much has changed. While of course I grieve over the loss of friends and I grieve over the loss of Eddie, some of that change has been good; Some of the change has offered closure. For example, the opportunity to spend time with my father before and when he passed away offered closure; the man who was the core and root of my abuse history which resulted in a lifetime of trauma bonding behaviors.

So here I am. Not where I planned to be at 56 but I am ok. I have done my work and it is now time to get out of my shell and start enjoying the things I once enjoyed in the world. While I still have aspects of self, we tend to work in harmony. I don't expect anything to be perfect, but life certainly is not the chaos it once was and certainly does not warrant extreme measures such as going inpatient at the National Trauma Center located at Del Amo Hospital in Torrance, California.

I have come back to California and once again, things are not the same. AHHHH!! There is one exception.. The Redondo Special!! Only the price has gone up. I used to be a regular on this boat and I will be going next week. It used to be $20.00 for a half day when I was 39 and now at 56 it is $40.00. Still a bargain at that price.

To Annie, Little Andi, Little Anne, and Cassie,

Thanks to all of you for keeping me safe at a time in my life I could not care for myself. I will do better at honoring all of me in the future. I love all of you very much... I love all of us!!