Sunday, September 28, 2008

Disappointments and Realities...

I don't know how long I will write as I am pretty weak. I had a lot of disappoinments this summer and have been quite ill. I doubt if anyone comes over here to read anymore as I have not posted since July.

I have lost 22 pounds since July and I don't have to unbutton my shirts to put them on. Then they just hang. My belts are too big and my pants fall off if I do not hold them up when I walk. But who has $$ for clothes.

I was going to ride the motorcycle the other day, but that was a waste because I lost a lot of strength and muscletone through all of this. I could not hold it up. I started back on the rubber bands to try and increase muscletone yesterday.

Sandy came out to help me shut down the flea market, which was very kind of her. We talked about my own denial about my health. My health is shot, and the truth is I feel as if I am biding my time. It is not dying I fear, but the fear of dying alone.

Without the additional income from the flea market I cannot keep my home. But the minute I walk out the door I have another episode. The latest being tonight where even my hair was soaked by the time it was over. I feel better now, but weak.

The waiting lists for adjusted housing with central air and heat are upwards of 3 years in this part of the country, but it costs a wee fortune to move cross country. One doc says you need to get out of here, but the pulminary doc says moving to Oregon will be trading apples for oranges... that the move will leave me vulnerable to upper respiritory infections. I don't really want to move but I do want to be close to family. Even then, my experience with family has been one of disappointments. I am afraid if I go the rug will get pulled out from under me again.

One thing is clear, I cannot stay out here for a variety of reasons. Gas... Isolation... Hungry... Angry... Lonely... and Tired. That pretty much covers the twelve steps and twelve traditions of what should not be. I want no more new adventures. I am simply too tired.

I am going to try to hang in here long enough for my house to sell and then see if there is someone in Pensacola I can room with while my name comes up on the waiting list.

I am going to start selling the bread again this week and will do that 2 X a month. That is a start. I do have a booth at the Mayors Fall Festival in Prichard in October, so that is a plus as well. Mostly I have to play this day by day and depending upon how I feel. I pushed myself all to hard the last few months, and now I am paying for it.

If I can find a way to keep the house, I may start spending summers in Corpus Christi at Sharons house. She has said bring her on!! I can do festivals there. I should not go in June, because Mexico burns its fields and all that smoke goes right into Corpus and as far up as San Antonio.

There will be no church for me to go back to in Corpus as far as GLBT friendly. I would not put myself through that again. BUT.. there is my fishing daily, which I miss!!

There are many decisions I wish I had made differently over the years. Things I wish I would have told those I love(d).. Things I wish I had not placed so much emphasis on.. So many things I wish I could have done differently and/or said differently. I guess that is all part of it at this point.

Mostly I wish it would just get over... I am tired mentally and physically. I guess part of getting out of denial is giving up the fight in many ways. Yet, for whatever reason, God is keeping me here. But damn I am suffering from the isolation and the shortness of breath. My muscletone I fought so hard to get back is now gone again. Even a mouse is hard for me to use at this point. I wish I could afford a trackball.. Instead I walk away from the computer and sleep.

The good thing is I am doing better than a month ago. Tonights episode was set off by coconut oil getting too hot and the fumes sent me into an episode.

There are some friends in Pensacola I am going to ask if I can live with them until a place comes open during the Winters and then to get out of their hair go to Corpus during the summer. Chances are they will say no, but it would be the bomb!! They live on the ocean with a pier. :-)

Well I realized I have over 1000 emails to sort through. Time has not been with me through this as I pretty much disconnected to cope.

Anyone who got this far.. Thanks for listening...

2 comments:

Gardenia said...

Hey, I have finally crawled out from under my rock - this month is always bad . . . Nov. 10th was anniversary of a death, and Nov. 15th, yesterday, the birth of that person.

I have a friend who has been forcing me out - - - and it just wears me out - - - but I'm good for four hours!!!! I'm lucky I guess, as someone always finds me and gets me moving.....two steps ahead, one back. I'm sorry about the flea market, I know that was your "lifeline" to interactions....

We've been down with viruses off and on, boy sort of pulling out. Joc has been very sick with kidney infection - she wasn't given the right antibiotics the first go around, no tests to find out what was wrong, and it got pretty bad.

And the other things continue.

I am glad to know you are improved to some extent. Perhaps the "winter" will be kinder.

Sandy always pulls through, does't she?

Don't know what you are paying for gas up there - but it has hit $1.93 down here - people are out cruising like no tomorrow - be careful if you come down this way - so many people are running through red lights - almost got hit twice on the way to doc the other day...

I will try to call - I had to go to work meeting today and got gently childed for being such a phone-o-phobe.

Gardenia said...

P.S. If you are getting too weak to even write, you are in a very serious situation. Are there NO county services there? If so, you would be better off here...I think....did the once protective neighbors withdraw? Does your doctor's office have any resources for that County? When I thought I was out on my buns, there seemed to be some help down here! Have you called Council on Aging here yet? They gave me a list of people to help and an apartment place that had openings.....but I can't remember the name of it...think it was over on either Navy or Warrington...and in the event I had to get rid of my car, the place was on a central route and there were services to get to the doctors. I know you said you'd had it with your doctors over there. (couldn't promise any better here).

I have tried to call you a couple of times, but got the 7 o'clock message and you didn't call back. If you need me to dig up some phone nos. give me a call...I try to carry my phone on me more.

My friend who is helping me start that business always says, well, the past is the past. And she's right - dwelling there on the I shoulda's and I coulda's does nothing more than create and increase despair. I think our emotions have a lot to do with how sick or well we are feeling. Now I am more aware of my body and at the slightest amount of stress I can feel my back constrict like a boa constrictor!

Let me know if you come this way - maybe sushi would relieve the blues somewhat.

Well, this is all way too much for a blog on the internet.....

About Me

**Ya Think**
Lodi, California, United States
I was raised in Wyoming where the Small Town Environment never left my soul. I have returned to California after living several years in the South. I look forward to life here and am grateful for the opportunity to return home in such a magnificent way!! Thank you my dear friends who all made this possible
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