Welcome To A Road Less Traveled

Well I have been given an assignment. I am not going to go into all the assignment here, but will start it all the same. My 'T' and I were talking about healthy relationships today. I was scoffing over the last one and how it made me feel to have been lured in and shelved. She asked how many things do I see parallel in more than one relationship that I am and am not comfortable with. hmmmm!!!!! Anyway later I was given an assignment... I found this following over at Wiki-Help and thought I would share it here. It is pretty good, and I actually found several things that seem to bleed from one relationship to the next.

This is not laying out well as far as layout, so I have also added the link to the title if you click on it so you can read it there. I am supposed to research several authors articles on healthy relationships to get a cross sampling, but this is the first one I have run across that I could relate to some of it.

1. Do not expect anyone to be responsible for your happiness. Being happy is your own job and you are the only person that can do it. Too often relationships fail because someone is unhappy and blames their partner for making them that way. The truth is that no one has the ability to make another person happy,
   but often we can share in another’s happiness. Make yourself happy first, and then share your happiness with your partner.



2. Do not do anything for your partner if it comes with an expectation of reciprocation. The things you do for your partner must always be done because you chose to do them and you wanted to do them. Do not hold your “good deeds” over their head at a later time. Keeping score in a relationship will never work.



3. Tell the unarguable truth. Many people are taught to lie to protect someone's feelings, either their own or those of their partner. Lies create disconnection in a relationship, even if your partner never finds out about it. Withholding the truth also constitutes telling a lie. Here are some examples of telling the unarguable truth: "I felt scared when I saw you talking to him at
   the party or at school," "I feel angry when you hang up on me," "I felt sad when you walked out during our fight and didn't want to be around me."



4. Forgive one another. Forgiveness is a process of ending your anger or resentment towards another individual. It can have the power to transcend all offenses, great and small, and learning to forgive another takes patience, honesty, and respect. When sincerely given freely in a relationship, forgiveness may heal
   relationships that are suffering. Forgiveness is an act of humility, not one of haughty feelings.



5. Make and keep clear agreements. For example, if you say you're going to meet your partner for lunch at noon, be on time, or call if you're going to be late. If you agree to have a monogamous relationship, keep that agreement and/or tell the truth about any feelings you're having about someone else before you act on them.
   Keeping agreements shows respect for yourself and your partner, as well as creating a sense of trust and safety.



6. Be Responsible. Here's a new definition: Responsible means that you have the ability to respond. It does not mean you are to blame. There is tremendous power in claiming your creation. If you've been snippy to your partner, own up to it, and get curious about how you might do it differently next time. If you are
   unhappy in your relationship, get curious about how this situation is similar to others from your past, and how you might create a better relationship for yourself rather than try to change your partner.



7. Approach your relationship as a learning experience. Each one has important information for you to learn. For example, do you often feel 'bossed' around in your relationship, or do you feel powerless? When a relationship is not working, there is usually a familiar way that we feel while in it. We are attracted to the partner with whom we can learn the most, and sometimes the lesson is to let go of a relationship that no longer serves us. A truly healthy relationship will consist of both partners who are interested in learning and expanding a relationship so that it continues to improve.



8. 
   
   Appreciate yourself and your partner. In the midst of an argument, it can be difficult to find something to appreciate. Start by generating appreciation in moments of non-stress, and that way when you need to be able to do it during a stressful conversation, it will be easier. One definition of appreciation is to be sensitively aware so you don't have to be sugar-coating anything so tell her or him you love him and that you don't want to argue but talk and make it better.



9. Review your expectations. Make sure you don't try to make your partner fulfill every need in your life. One person cannot be everything to you. Everybody needs love, intimacy, affection, and affirmation, but your partner cannot alone give you all of that. You need to get some from your friends, from your family, but first and foremost, love yourself. Attempting to change someone else’s mode of processing or personality style won’t work--and will create derailments.



10. Use communication to establish a common ground to understand different points of view and to create a mutual, collaborative agreement or plan. You can either choose to be right, or you can have a relationship. You can't have both. Most people argue to be "right" about something. They say "If you loved me, you would...." They argue to hear the other say "Okay, you're right." If you are generally more interested in being right, this approach will not create a healthy relationship. Having a healthy relationship means that you have your experience, and your partner has his or her experience, and you learn to love and share and learn from those experiences.
    

Tips

• The idea of "unarguable truth" is a stretch (not to be confused with facts). Every person has a relative truth based on their individual experience and perception. A statement such as, "I felt scared when I saw you talking to her" is a statement of fact, not truth. This is an example of a "feeling statement", which is
  different, and its impact is significant.



• It is not necessarily a good idea to answer certain questions with absolute truth if they bring emotional harm. "Do you sometimes think about your ex?" and "do I look fat in these pants?" are both loaded questions. In a relationship, answer questions honestly, but with tact and grace. For example, "I don't think those pants look good on you" is a helpful question, instead of simply "they don't", or "they do make you look fat".



• Remember what you don’t do is as important as what you do.



• Strike while the iron is cold. Know when to be reflective and invoke principles. When the house is burning is no time to teach fire safety principles.



• Portions of this article are based on the works of Dr. Gay and Dr. Kathlyn Hendricks.



• All good relationships are based upon mutual respect. If you do not feel respect for your partner, or believe that they are losing respect for you, then consider rebuilding the respect immediately.



• Communicate with your partner. Without communication, there is no relationship so try and call your partner even if it's just to say 'hi' and 'I love you'.



• Avoid flirting with others, especially previous partners. Doing so may spur romantic feelings for another. There is nothing wrong with having friends of the opposite gender; just keep flirting out of the friendship.



• Tell your partner how you really feel about your ex and why you're no longer romantically involved. Don't ever lie or cheat on your partner.



• Be the first to tell your partner what is on your mind either positive or negative. Address what your plan is to remedy it. Playing guessing games may lead to misunderstanding and confusion.