Monday, June 04, 2007
Flowers For Algernon
Over the years I have somewhat paralleled my life with the Movie Flowers for Algernon, formerly put out as Charlie in the 1970’s. I ask myself why this rings true for me… Not sure I can really write about this really, but will give it my best shot.
Algernon was a mouse who was used for pseudo-intelligence experiments. The mouse became super intelligent through the experiments the scientists used. He was soon deemed a super mouse. The scientists began to search for a person to conduct the same experiments on and chose a mentally retarded man named Charlie. Charlie became attractive, well groomed, and even smarter than all the scientists and doctors who attended to his care.
While this is a soft science fiction story, perhaps there is more truth in it as to how society conducts its studies and treatments today. For example, I fight ongoing nightmares. I was given a medication which stopped the nightmares and at least had me to a point where I was able to sleep peacefully. I thought I had found the relief I had needed for my life, however I was informed by my insurance carrier they could no longer cover this under my insurance as it was meant for short-term use. My doctors pled their case to no avail. Eventually those who cared for me found another medication which stopped the nightmares but increased the flashbacks and other symptoms during the daytime hours. I had to be taken off those.
Finally I was blessed with a program which specialized in the root of the problems which caused the nightmares, flashbacks, and other symptoms. With nurturing and much care I seemed to be able to self manage well. I returned to work, but not on the scientific or engineering level I was used to. Events and medications through this several year process had taken away the sharpness I once took for granted. My concentration level was shot.
Well I went off truck driving and had actually found something I loved and enjoyed. Much to my surprise I was still able to use my mind, contrary to what my opinion was of truck drivers prior to doing this. This went on for approximately two years and in September of 2001, due to a number of events, the flashbacks returned… I fell backwards out of the truck, sustaining many injuries. Eventually it was determined I had a rare bone disease and had to undergo several years of surgeries and treatment, which left me in chronic pain and decreased upper bilateral mobility. I fought much of it and would not resign to what the doctors told me would be my level of function physically and I believe this probably has helped a lot. There is no drug or treatment which will insure this disease will not return. Not to sound cynical, but Flowers for Algernon certainly does come to mind when I think of this.
Eventually it was determined the use of flooding or immersing old pain is more detrimental than the trauma itself. Those, including myself, who were earlier generation trauma clients now had another set of healing to do. Many adapted the trauma of others as they were so saturated with the group therapy sessions whereas they learned of the plight of others. They began to utilize different tactics for future clients; Yet another parallel to Flowers for Algernon.
Time went by and the quality of cars I drove began to diminish, my clothes began to fade, and the types of people and places my life was surrounded by disappeared; which also falls parallel to Flowers for Algernon. Yet I fought it every inch of the way and tried to see the glass as half full. I fought hard to thwart of the nightmares, the flashbacks, and the physical limitations.
Like Charlie, I would meet these wonderful people who showed an interest and they would disappear as I was different and came with baggage; however non-solicited. Increasingly I was attracting less healthy people into my life. The need to trust and believe in others triumphed over my instinct and distrust. The need to be understood and loved played a part in much of it. Charlie, for example formed a relationship with his therapist. He was exploited. Let me give you an example… There was a man in Los Angeles named Paul Duckett. He claimed to be a doctor of Psychiatry. Not only was he not a Doctor of Psychiatry, he was only an intern Marriage & Family Counselor. Eventually he because a therapist. Well, he was my Psychiatrist and ended up with the legal rights to my life story and achievements. After interviewing everyone who had known me over a 30 year span he disappears with my life in his briefcase. I was exploited as was Charlie. I was vindicated to a degree when I located him. Ahem!! Working at the same hospital who was helping me overcome trauma and exploitation.
Time marches on… I live in an area today where I can warehouse myself nicely and not have to worry about continued moves and continued change…. Ya Think? This is about all I can think of right now but may come back and add later… My pastor often says God Has a Sense of Humor, but somehow I don’t seem to be getting the right combination, but for the time being will keep trying to solve the puzzle and not give up on life. One thing I am learning is I can only count on God and try to learn healthier ways of looking at life and handling how I make decisions regarding life. Life seems so surreal and a dirty trick at times… A daring thing to say since the primary thing people are attracted to in me is the winner and fighter in me. Actually, before his decline, Charlie was probably much smarter than I am; He was finally ready to accept himself for who he was.
Algernon was a mouse who was used for pseudo-intelligence experiments. The mouse became super intelligent through the experiments the scientists used. He was soon deemed a super mouse. The scientists began to search for a person to conduct the same experiments on and chose a mentally retarded man named Charlie. Charlie became attractive, well groomed, and even smarter than all the scientists and doctors who attended to his care.
While this is a soft science fiction story, perhaps there is more truth in it as to how society conducts its studies and treatments today. For example, I fight ongoing nightmares. I was given a medication which stopped the nightmares and at least had me to a point where I was able to sleep peacefully. I thought I had found the relief I had needed for my life, however I was informed by my insurance carrier they could no longer cover this under my insurance as it was meant for short-term use. My doctors pled their case to no avail. Eventually those who cared for me found another medication which stopped the nightmares but increased the flashbacks and other symptoms during the daytime hours. I had to be taken off those.
Finally I was blessed with a program which specialized in the root of the problems which caused the nightmares, flashbacks, and other symptoms. With nurturing and much care I seemed to be able to self manage well. I returned to work, but not on the scientific or engineering level I was used to. Events and medications through this several year process had taken away the sharpness I once took for granted. My concentration level was shot.
Well I went off truck driving and had actually found something I loved and enjoyed. Much to my surprise I was still able to use my mind, contrary to what my opinion was of truck drivers prior to doing this. This went on for approximately two years and in September of 2001, due to a number of events, the flashbacks returned… I fell backwards out of the truck, sustaining many injuries. Eventually it was determined I had a rare bone disease and had to undergo several years of surgeries and treatment, which left me in chronic pain and decreased upper bilateral mobility. I fought much of it and would not resign to what the doctors told me would be my level of function physically and I believe this probably has helped a lot. There is no drug or treatment which will insure this disease will not return. Not to sound cynical, but Flowers for Algernon certainly does come to mind when I think of this.
Eventually it was determined the use of flooding or immersing old pain is more detrimental than the trauma itself. Those, including myself, who were earlier generation trauma clients now had another set of healing to do. Many adapted the trauma of others as they were so saturated with the group therapy sessions whereas they learned of the plight of others. They began to utilize different tactics for future clients; Yet another parallel to Flowers for Algernon.
Time went by and the quality of cars I drove began to diminish, my clothes began to fade, and the types of people and places my life was surrounded by disappeared; which also falls parallel to Flowers for Algernon. Yet I fought it every inch of the way and tried to see the glass as half full. I fought hard to thwart of the nightmares, the flashbacks, and the physical limitations.
Like Charlie, I would meet these wonderful people who showed an interest and they would disappear as I was different and came with baggage; however non-solicited. Increasingly I was attracting less healthy people into my life. The need to trust and believe in others triumphed over my instinct and distrust. The need to be understood and loved played a part in much of it. Charlie, for example formed a relationship with his therapist. He was exploited. Let me give you an example… There was a man in Los Angeles named Paul Duckett. He claimed to be a doctor of Psychiatry. Not only was he not a Doctor of Psychiatry, he was only an intern Marriage & Family Counselor. Eventually he because a therapist. Well, he was my Psychiatrist and ended up with the legal rights to my life story and achievements. After interviewing everyone who had known me over a 30 year span he disappears with my life in his briefcase. I was exploited as was Charlie. I was vindicated to a degree when I located him. Ahem!! Working at the same hospital who was helping me overcome trauma and exploitation.
Time marches on… I live in an area today where I can warehouse myself nicely and not have to worry about continued moves and continued change…. Ya Think? This is about all I can think of right now but may come back and add later… My pastor often says God Has a Sense of Humor, but somehow I don’t seem to be getting the right combination, but for the time being will keep trying to solve the puzzle and not give up on life. One thing I am learning is I can only count on God and try to learn healthier ways of looking at life and handling how I make decisions regarding life. Life seems so surreal and a dirty trick at times… A daring thing to say since the primary thing people are attracted to in me is the winner and fighter in me. Actually, before his decline, Charlie was probably much smarter than I am; He was finally ready to accept himself for who he was.
In the end, Charlie was no longer the brilliant man he once was. The end of the original movie showed Charlie sitting on the same swing in his same mental retarted mode the movie began with. I wonder if Charlie would change the small morsel of being less different if he could have? But was he really less different? Different is different!! Regardless if it is generated by brilliance or retardation, or various degrees inbetween.
9 comments:
Hmmmmm. You're "Ya Think" and I'm "Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm."
Deep post.
I will relate - I always felt more different from others than I really was.
I will never know that road you traveled - I can't imagine.
I had a wonderful time following you to the restaurant and being able to really belly laugh when we realized we were both lost!
I hate that you suffered so.
I hate that we are both wanderers. But, hey, kid, we've had some adventures. Some we don't want to talk about, but some other people wish they had.
Listening to others' traumas was the only way I could allow myself to begin to remember.
But empathy will bring too much of their pain to your door.
Many in the professions are "wounded healers" and some not so healed themselves.
Revisiting trauma - for me, it validated that it truly was trauma. Sometimes I was never sure, ya know?
I control what I think. If I don't I end up in dark alleys.
Well enough Gardenia proverbs.
Much love.
Hey Gardenia,
I am not calling the parallels a bad thing. They just are... The good news is I still know who I am, where I am, and can continue to overcome isms .. The even better news is God is in control.
I enjoyed Sunday too. I enjoy your company, wit, wisdom, and humor a lot.
You know we were both put through it!! It is a wonder we can function at all. But I guess hydro planing is not bad. :-)
No, no - this was not meant to be negative - I found the post and your thoughts and parallels beautiful and compelling - wouldn't it be interesting to know the history of the author! I have all these friends who make wonderful comments on movies, books, etc., but I, like you, relate mostly emotionally to them (movies, etc.) Thank God though, for us emoters! Is that a new word? You write so well........I think you should start a book. What it should be and what it should say will come to you, if its not all already in there. You should. 'Specially now when you are in an introspective mood - ya think? It perhaps may end up as wonderful as the movie/book you love - or more so - even if not, your words will make an impact forever. I'm selfish, I want that for you, for me - the foreverness of that on paper! Preferably bound :)
Hey Gardenia,
I almost pulled this Blog right after I posted it. It was almost scary to let anyone see this depth of my thinking. It is one thing to write it, another thing to think it, but yet another to allow myself to be so vulerable as to no know who will see it. The fears of my inner-thoughts and inner-feelings being misused has increased in life. Been a couple of people over the years who have been more than happy to manipulate and/or misuse thoughts, events, and feelings I have entrusted them with.
Are you ok? You are blogging in the middle of the daytime.
youngest daughter had dental surgery - no one to drive her - but I welcomed the opportunity although now I'm missing two days wages (incl. mem day) - but I am wrestling with a nasty set of allergies AND/OR a cold - the general achy sort of feverish feel - I would guess a summer cold - will take some allergy meds tonight & see what happens. If I feel like this the rest of the week, I shouldn't work - but gotta.
Well, ya know, dysfunctional folks (and I guess I still am in areas) will sometimes take those things you share and sort of bop a person around with them. Sometimes. Remember the post about someone stealing my song? Same thing! We should be free to fly, to sing, to write, to speak, to be!
Don't you think when people use your honesty against you (us) that its because they are afraid of what is in THEM, or what THEY lack?
The County tales - the deeds that were done were exposed. Therein lay the angst of the wrong doers.
It scares me every time I paint - specially when I was doing the dark doll series - because people made judgments on what they were, what they represented - but the art speaks to what is in them as well - and paint I must! I could paint only pink poseys but that's not who I am. But yeh, it is scary to risk printing - or painting - me too.
I'm so glad you didn't pull the post - I pray that those that read will read with their hearts and that it will find its way to those hearts that need to read it -
then I find some people so froze in their little worlds, and I mean little they can't see. They can't see. Blinde men walking.
Someday we should painstakingly print our posts - they will be a tale of a journey. Many people's are. A tale of finding their way through life. A tale of finding sense in things. A tale of brave sharing.
LOL, new getting old scene - grandma in rocking chair, with lap top - I can tell my children - these are the pages the secretary of state downloaded -
Hey Gardenia,
We are both definately wanderers without a doubt. I have come to realize even if one does not move from their physical dwelling, it does not make them any less a wanderer.
I think we are both eclectic in what we like to learn, where we have been, and things we like to do. None of this can be accomplished when time stands still.
Being cryptic is always fun with you as we are both so parallel in much we think, say, or do. For those who do not know us, our history, and/or our way of processing, do you think they may think we are certifiable? :-)
LOL, we are eclectic. We also try to live at least a dozen lives at one time!
And ya know, I always wanted to be certified in as many things as possible. Har de har de har har.
Sometimes I would like to be a more specialized person, one place, over all the years, nice retirement, house paid for....sigh! But I get bored - while never being bored - just hungry to explore more. Guess that's why we end up in college again in our 50's, huh?
But, after struggling just to remain sane, we find LIFE. The Himalayas are calling.....Capetown and Soweto. I want to dance barefoot in the dust in Africa, sit wrapped in a blanket on a mountain in Nepal and contemplate - things.
Those I know who do these things are --------- missionaries! Those who jump in canoes in Nicaragua and travel up the Amazon - - who tame parrots to live with them....
Speaking of, matey, you still got yer parrot?
Well, getting ready to trudge off to church - did not go to ER last night, thank goodness. Not so dizzy today. Boy did not feel well either. I guess I should just pick up the phone to see how you are doing, later today?
Hey there,
I found something to help me with my depression. Hopefully it is going to work. It
should take my mind of the negative and place it back in the positive. I am back at the indoor flea selling what i know how to sell best. The carnie atmosphere is in my soul I guess. When I started setting up, it was like I never left. I felt at home.
My neighbors here are awesome and we are getting closer and closer as the weeks go by. They opened a booth close to mine so we can watch out for each other
The *overgrown Children* are at it again. You were right when you said I should watch my back. I worked on pre-emptive efforts today. Legal of course! Will talk to you about it on zzzzz phone. I am not fond of passive-aggressive people who know how to
turn the tears off and on... Remind you of the "L" word?