Welcome To A Road Less Traveled

I don't know how long I will write as I am pretty weak. I had a lot of disappoinments this summer and have been quite ill. I doubt if anyone comes over here to read anymore as I have not posted since July.

I have lost 22 pounds since July and I don't have to unbutton my shirts to put them on. Then they just hang. My belts are too big and my pants fall off if I do not hold them up when I walk. But who has $$ for clothes.

I was going to ride the motorcycle the other day, but that was a waste because I lost a lot of strength and muscletone through all of this. I could not hold it up. I started back on the rubber bands to try and increase muscletone yesterday.

Sandy came out to help me shut down the flea market, which was very kind of her. We talked about my own denial about my health. My health is shot, and the truth is I feel as if I am biding my time. It is not dying I fear, but the fear of dying alone.

Without the additional income from the flea market I cannot keep my home. But the minute I walk out the door I have another episode. The latest being tonight where even my hair was soaked by the time it was over. I feel better now, but weak.

The waiting lists for adjusted housing with central air and heat are upwards of 3 years in this part of the country, but it costs a wee fortune to move cross country. One doc says you need to get out of here, but the pulminary doc says moving to Oregon will be trading apples for oranges... that the move will leave me vulnerable to upper respiritory infections. I don't really want to move but I do want to be close to family. Even then, my experience with family has been one of disappointments. I am afraid if I go the rug will get pulled out from under me again.

One thing is clear, I cannot stay out here for a variety of reasons. Gas... Isolation... Hungry... Angry... Lonely... and Tired. That pretty much covers the twelve steps and twelve traditions of what should not be. I want no more new adventures. I am simply too tired.

I am going to try to hang in here long enough for my house to sell and then see if there is someone in Pensacola I can room with while my name comes up on the waiting list.

I am going to start selling the bread again this week and will do that 2 X a month. That is a start. I do have a booth at the Mayors Fall Festival in Prichard in October, so that is a plus as well. Mostly I have to play this day by day and depending upon how I feel. I pushed myself all to hard the last few months, and now I am paying for it.

If I can find a way to keep the house, I may start spending summers in Corpus Christi at Sharons house. She has said bring her on!! I can do festivals there. I should not go in June, because Mexico burns its fields and all that smoke goes right into Corpus and as far up as San Antonio.

There will be no church for me to go back to in Corpus as far as GLBT friendly. I would not put myself through that again. BUT.. there is my fishing daily, which I miss!!

There are many decisions I wish I had made differently over the years. Things I wish I would have told those I love(d).. Things I wish I had not placed so much emphasis on.. So many things I wish I could have done differently and/or said differently. I guess that is all part of it at this point.

Mostly I wish it would just get over... I am tired mentally and physically. I guess part of getting out of denial is giving up the fight in many ways. Yet, for whatever reason, God is keeping me here. But damn I am suffering from the isolation and the shortness of breath. My muscletone I fought so hard to get back is now gone again. Even a mouse is hard for me to use at this point. I wish I could afford a trackball.. Instead I walk away from the computer and sleep.

The good thing is I am doing better than a month ago. Tonights episode was set off by coconut oil getting too hot and the fumes sent me into an episode.

There are some friends in Pensacola I am going to ask if I can live with them until a place comes open during the Winters and then to get out of their hair go to Corpus during the summer. Chances are they will say no, but it would be the bomb!! They live on the ocean with a pier. :-)

Well I realized I have over 1000 emails to sort through. Time has not been with me through this as I pretty much disconnected to cope.

Anyone who got this far.. Thanks for listening...